Hope For Anxiety

I have been debating sharing this post with the world. See the other day God lead me to write a poem about anxiety. I had a strong feeling that I was to share it with my one bible study group. I knew there was a message in that poem that was to be shared. But with the world? I was not sure. Then I was out with a friend the other day and I felt I was to share it with her so I did. It moved her. She said could you please post it on your blog so I can share it with my daughter. I thought about it and said yes. One of the reasons I share my story in this way is to be able to be a blessing to others. I hope that in writing my journey out that it will bless someone else. Encourage others. We were never meant to do this life alone. We need each other. You know things I don't know and I know things you don't know. If we don't talk with one another how do we gleam from each other. We were never meant to live alone on an island. Although some days I do want to escape from life. Make it all stop. Get off this merry go round.

So as I have shared I am hormonal, perimenopausal, and one of my symptoms I experience from time to time because of these things is anxiety. See I want to be careful here and encourage you to be careful as well. I don't want to label myself and claim sickness over myself. For years I would say I am a migraine suffer. Why did I do that? I am someone who on occasion would get a migraine but that does not make me a migraine sufferer. I am also many many things. But for this post this is what I am focusing on. Like I said in posting about this I hope to help others.

So this past Sunday in Canada we celebrated mothers day. A day where we honor our mothers. Usually with gifts of some sort and around a shared meal. We decided that the shared meal would be at our house. We would invite my husbands mom, dad and sister over. I was not sure this was going to work. See we were out of the house most of the week at a hotel. Due to our small house fire and them redoing our floors. We got back into the house on Saturday. Had errands to run in the afternoon. I was feeling a bit stressed. Asked our kids if they would move back all the furniture in the two rooms we had to move it out of. They said yes. I was concerned how that would all go. Knew being at home would stress me out. So I said after lunch I would ditch the family and go out shopping or some such thing. Teens could move all the stuff back and I would not see it. As I was out and about anxiety hit hard. I didn't even know if I would make it to church that evening. We have a Saturday night service that starts at 6pm. I love going to that service. But I also felt I could not go home. I have scent issues. What if my new floors give off a smell? Can I even be in my  house? Maybe I need to go back to the hotel. Oh guys I loved it there. I had no stress. Hot tubbed twice a day. Used the pool twice a day. Never had to clean. It was lovely. House got done. For the most part. We had some stuff to finish up on Sunday and by we I mean hubby and kids. I don't work on mothers day. Yes I did go to church. But it was so hard to be there. Anxiety is hard to deal with. After church I saw one of our female pastors up at the front of the church. There to pray with people. So I went up to talk with her. I saw her and started crying. She held me as I cried and asked what was going on. So good to talk with her and have her pray over me. She said to me the anxiety is just little things. They may seem like big things but they are just little. As soon as anxiety hits she said say the name of Jesus. Then I also got to pray for her which was so good. We both I think encouraged each other I know she encouraged me. She told me how thankful she was that I was at church. She encouraged me to go home. Which I did but didn't think I could do. Was still stressed when I got home. Snapped at my son. Which was not my plan. So off to my room with me. Had tea and a snack and off to la la land. Sunday I had a relaxing morning. I finished a gift I was making for a friend. Then in the afternoon hubby and I ran some errands. While out running errands I felt a bit anxious. How was everything going to get done? Hubby was out to long. So I bought myself a magazine. Got home with my magazine and went to my room and closed the door. Hubby and teens were in charge of the meal. Not me. But as I was in my room I heard bickering from my 15 year old son. So I put ear buds in and turned up the music. Read my magazine. While looking through my magazine I saw a photo of a table and chairs in a garden and I thought peaceful.

Then when I was done reading the magazine I heard in my head you should write a poem about anxiety. I'm like what? OK I said.

So I started with a list of words about anxiety. This is what I wrote.
- Sucks
- Overwhelms
- Debilitates
- Draws me closer to God
- Scared me
- Does not have victory over me
- Is temporary
- Is not God's plan for me
- Can not control me unless I let it
- My anxiety is small in the grand scheme of things
- I am not alone God's with me and many also go through this
- Everyday is a new day to be victory free
- God's got this
- God fills me with peace
- I sit in a garden at a table drinking tea. Peace floods me.

Then I started to write this poem. I felt the words just came to me and I wrote them out as they flooded my mind.

Anxiety overwhelms me,

draws me into a dark place, 

and I am scared. 

I call on the name of Jesus. 

Fill me with your peace and presence.

God then takes my hand, 

and leads me into a beautiful garden. 

Where we sit at a table and have tea. 

We chat for hours enjoying one anothers company. 

The Lord tells me how much He loves me. 

How precious I am to Him. 

That I am a joy and a delight. 

He knows these anxious times are hard, 

but loves how they draw us closer together 

and that is a beautiful thing. 

Beauty comes from the ashes. 

You are one of those beautiful things. 


Wow blew me away. So moved by this experience. So guests have arrived time to honor our mother/mother in law/grandma. Had a nice time but as the evening went on anxiety tried to rear it ugly little head. So I am sitting on the couch at this point by my daughter. I feel the anxiety come on so I start to whisper Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Then I whisper the scripture the armor of God. My daughter says mom are you whispering? I said what? Whispering? Yes were you whispering? I ignore her and conversation moves on. Then my daughter starts humming. I say are you humming? Everyone laughs. I do need to sit her down and explain what I was doing and why. My teens know I sometimes struggle with anxiety. But they don't know fully to what extent and when always it attacks. 

So new day and I am reading Titus 1 for a bible study I am in. Looking for something that jumps out at me. What stands out of the text for me is "chosen of God" like in a field of wild flowers He chose me! 

On Facebook there is a group on their called Healing Rosie. Great support group. I ask the question I'm in perimenopause and with that have started to get anxiety. I don't want to go get pharmaceutical drugs. But I feel I need something. These hormones out of wack are driving me nuts. I started taking a herbal menopause pill but it does not really help with the anxiety. Went to health food store here in Canada. Was recommended a product. Don't know if this product can be purchased outside of Canada. Let me know if you have used it our what you would recommend.  The pills I saw were by Natural Factors which I have learned is a Canadian brand. Called Serenity Formula. You take them at the first sign of an attack. I will list off what other women recommended to me. Maybe this list will be helpful to someone out. there. See my General Practitioner said I can't help you till your on the other side of menopause. If you want to try alternative therapies by all means go ahead. I just can't recommend any as I don't know about them. So what does a women end up doing doctoring herself with the help and knowledge of others. This is another reason we need a village around us. 

1. Ashwaganada, Tulsi/Holy basil 
rhodiola work for stress. Used a lot in ayuredic medicine.

2.Trudy Scott book on anxiety. Her book is about the foods you eat and how they effect you and what to avoid.

2. Christine Northrup

3. Rescue Remedy

4. 15 minutes of meditation. 

5. Relora. Many recommended this one. 

6. Dr. Amy Yasko's protocol

7. Good book Dirty Genes by Dr. Ben Lynch. In the book he tells you what supplements you are lacking based on your symptoms.

8. Bio identical progesterone, GABA, Trytophan, and CBD.

Now not all of these things could be found in Canada. You also need to discern for yourself what direction you want to go. But if your experiencing any negative symptoms during the month. Then most likely your hormones are out of wack and your body is lacking something. You need to figure out what that is. 

A friend borrowed me a book. Called Period Repair Manual. In it the doctor says that we should not be experiencing any negative symptoms during our periods. Surprised me. I have not started reading it yet. As many books and great advise have come my way. But I plan to. Here is what it looks like. Maybe a beneficial read to you?

Another book I picked up. After our house fire we had to get out of the house quickly. You don't think to grab everything. You don't also realize how bad it is till your out and can reflect. I was reading a devotional book every morning . But now had none and wanted one to read. So I spotted this one. The title drew me to it. It has been a beneficial read to me.

So through this whole journey I had someone I know who is a counselor offer me two free counseling sessions. She felt lead by God to offer them to me. What a blessing that has been. I have continued going. Sometimes we need added help. So this week when I was there we talked through a very difficult bout of anxiety I had that day. I don't get anxiety everyday. Thank God for that. I get breaks from it. Then this Wednesday it hit hard. I got up with a plan for that morning. Going to go to Costco and get stuff to make for supper. Then later in the afternoon I had counseling. I start my day by hearing in my head periods coming. Then the word at some point migraine comes into my head. I go to have a nice relaxing bath. It was far from relaxing. I put on some music by Steve Bell. Amazing christian singer who I enjoy. I was trying to relax when the anxious thoughts flood me. Wave after wave after wave. They are incessant. So much so I get out of the bath and sit on a chair in my room and cry. I cry and cry. Feel so debilitated. I have called on the name of Jesus many times, I have claimed the armor of God scripture over me. I have entered the white room I don't know how many times. Too many to count. Kicking thoughts that are not absolute truth out. I don't know what to do any more. I ask a friend if we can talk. She is busy and does not get back to me for awhile. Is not free. Somebody please help me. What am I to do? I have tried all the tools in my tool belt. A song comes on and I let it wash over me. I put it on repeat. Washes over me again and again. You can listen to it here. Psalm 70:1 The lyrics are simple, "Come to my help oh God Lord hurry to my rescue." I slowly calm down. A friend messages me yes I am free for lunch today. I am so happy. I need to get out of here. So I go and get ready and leave. 

25 minute walk to bus stop. Be good for me. I talk with Ben on his lunch break. Tell him what is going on and ask what do I do? I have to do something. He says buy that pill we saw at the health food store. That is the very place I am meeting my friend for lunch. Got close to where me and my friend were meeting for lunch early so I stopped in the christian bookstore to buy her a birthday card. I also saw a beautiful box of thinking of and praying for you cards. I bought both. The bookstore had chairs to sit on. So I did and wrote notes in two cards. When I was done this picture book caught my eye. 

I pick it up knowing it will be a short book and read it. In the story Zion the lion who lives in the jungle heard crying. See there had been a big storm in the jungle. So Zion goes over to the crying to see his bird friend standing on a broken tree crying. Saying my house is broken in half oh what am I going to do? As Zion is about to encourage his friend he hears more crying. Then goes over to another friend in the jungle who is crying this friend says look at what the storm did to my blanket. It's all filled with holes, now how am I going to stay warm? Just when Zion is going to encourage again he hears more crying. Goes over to another friend in the jungle who is crying. This friend said look at my umbrella it's all busted up. Oh how am I going to stay dry? Zion says come with me. Look you can find shelter from the rain under this broken tree. Then to the friend with no home he finds them another tree with a nest in it. He says you can take this broken blanket to make your nest nice and soft. Then to the one with no blanket he takes the umbrella apart and gives him the fabric that was not damaged and said see now you have a nice warm blanket. Then there was this page in the book.

 Now I start crying.

Then this scripture at the end. So moved by this book. God sure does love me. But here I sit in this bookstore crying. OK time to meet my friend but how to pull it together? I do and I head on my merry way. 

I meet my friend at the health food store and I share with my friend what has been going on. I share with her about my mothers day, the poem and everything. I say that I need to go and buy a pill here for anxiety. She said let me show you the one you should buy. I was here last night and a lady from this company was here talking about this pill. I thought of you and thought you need to be here to talk with her. But I didn't call you. So because she felt so strongly lead I thought that maybe this pill instead of the other is the one I should try. I am talking EMP by True Hope. Essential Mineral Power. An ideal balance of vitamins and minerals to promote mental well-being. This friend is the one who encouraged me to share this post with you.


Then after a lovely visit with this friend I go off to see the counselor. So this day I talk about my major anxiety attack I had that morning and all the tricks I tried to relieve it. Shared with her about going to the bookstore and the story book I found and read. How it moved me. Then she said we need to create a happy place. It's creating a fictional image in your mind using all your senses. A place when you feel anxious you can go to and it is suppose to fill you with peace. So when an anxiety attack comes on you have an image you can right ways jump into. So my image as you know already is a table in a garden where God and I go to have tea. So we start discussing what would be in my image.I write them out. 
-Garden
-Table and chairs
- Tea cup and saucer
- Tea pot
- Baked goodies snickerdoodles
- Lots of flowers of all kinds. Sunflowers for sure
- Grass I'll be bare feet. 
- Sunny out
- Summer
- Birds chirping
- Butterflies
- Light breeze
- Frogs
- Brook over rocks flowing into a pond
- Laughter abounds
- Jesus
She recommends practicing going to your happy place. Say if you can't sleep at night then that would be a good time to practice going their. It can help people fall asleep. I say I sleep fine. For me no sleep issues. So thankful for that. I get relief when I sleep. For me this image is my happy place. What is yours? What images would speak to you? I need to figure out how to practice going here. Also how to utilize it. I wonder would it work? This picturing Jesus and I at a table in a garden drinking, chatting, laughing, hearing the sounds, eating cookies, and just enjoying one anothers company. Will see. Will test this out next time an anxiety attack happens. But helpful to have someone walk me through the steps of how to do this. 

Who knew all I would be going through in this season of life. All of these bodily changes, small house fire, just everything. It feels some days that the pot of turmoil just gets restirred and more things come up. Oi Vey. When will this season end? How do I travel through it not too scathed? How do I journey well through this season and what ever it brings? Pray that through this all I am an encouragement and a blessing to others. That as I shared earlier in the sharing of my story may it bless someone. Encourage you  to know you are not alone. The Lord above loves you so very much. He has great things in store for you. You may not know what they are or see them. But He is doing a work in you. Make sure you find a way to share your story. It is important that we gleam from one another. We need each other. We can't do this life alone. Were never meant to.



 

Chronic Pain Equals Chronic Frustration

 So I felt lead by a few people to blog today. One being God. Tapping me on my shoulder so to speak and encouraging me to write about how I feel. Seriously I think. I angry at you very angry. I have strong feels towards God right now. See I had been pain free through the whole mini house fire. Yeah I thought my menopausal pills are working! Then few days after getting back into our house the chronic pain came back. Back big time. Ugh! So frustrating. So the menopausal pills are they working or not? Why was the pain taken away only to be allowed to return. Seriously God?! Why? Why me? Why now? We have so much going on in our lives right now. I don't have the time for this.

 We are getting new flooring this week. Thanks to the fire landing on our carpet and the smoke damage. Such a blessing. But we have to move all the furniture out of the two main rooms they are doing. Get ready to go to a hotel for 4 days. So lots to do to prep for this. Today hubby gets home from work and quickly gets ready grabs a snack and we got to get all our pets and our hotel stuff and go. First drop our dog off at the kennel. Then check into the hotel and drop our cats off in the room. Then I am meeting with a mentor friend I see once a month. Then hubby rushes home to move all the furniture and stuff around. Then they rush off to the movies. I am in so much pain I could barely get dinner made and in the crock pot. So really unless I want to ruin myself I can't help. That makes me so sad, so angry, so frustrated. I want to be a blessing to my family. All I feel like is a curse. I wonder what my kids think of me? They are 14 and 15. See look at me here.

 I look healthy and like there is nothing wrong with me. But I am in a lot of pain. But you can't tell that from this photo. I know they get frustrated when they get put to work and dad is working to and I am not. Such a frustrating time in life.

 Today I thought I will have a nice hot shower and do my neck stretches. Then thought maybe I could try this rub on asprin. Maybe that will help me. But making chili and chopping up stuff to put inside made the pain come back. I was in so much pain yesterday. Then thankfully slept just fine. But pain is back today. Why Lord why? Why me?

 I went to a counselor the other day. I mentioned my struggle with anxiety. How someone recommended cognitive behavioral therapy to me. As a way to get through an anxiety attack. I shared how they said when the anxiety comes sit in it for 5 minutes. Then tell the anxiety thank you for coming and alerting me to this but I'm going to be fine and you can go now. I had been trying that. Except sitting in the anxiety for 5 minutes. As I feel it will bring the anxiety on more. Make it actually come to life. Counselor asked if that technique was working for me? Yes it was. She said that it doesn't work for everybody. I have another way you can try if you don't mind? Sure I said. Thinking I need all the help I can get. She asked me to close my eyes and picture I am in a white room. There are two doors. One at the front and one at the back. Now have you had anxiety in the last 24 hours? Yes I said. OK what was it? Bring it into the room with you. OK I was having back, neck and head pain. Was worried they might get worse. So she said is it truth. Yes I said it is truth it could get worse. But she said is it absolute truth. Could it for sure get worse. Well no. So then in that case we can open up the door and let it out. I opened that door and pictured myself giving the anxiety a big swift kick! She said OK now open the door and release it. I have already kicked it out I thought. Then the idea came to me. Jesus is in the room with me isn't he? Yes she said He is. She said to me do you trust Him? Do I trust him I thought? I felt at the time if He loved me then he would take away my pain yet He chooses not to. So do I trust Him. Well my answer should be yes of course I trust him. So I say yes. She says you hesitated. Why is that? I share what I was thinking. We talk about that a bit and some other things. Then I go to my next thing in the day.

 The next day I am doing a prayer of examen. For those that don't know a simple way of describing it is asking yourself two questions.
1. What am I most grateful for today?
2. What am I least grateful for today?
I am writing these out when I hear in my head "we should talk about this trust issue that came up yesterday." I was like blown away. Um not really what I want to do but OK.So I have this dialog that goes on in my head. This is what it was. God I do love you. I know you love me. But when you allow this pain to be here I don't feel loved by you. "What about your husband? If your in pain does he still love you?" Yes of course. "So why is it any different with me?" Because you have the power to take pain away and my husband doesn't. "So because I don't take your pain away I don't love you?" That's right "When your kids don't get what they want do you love them any less?" No of course not. "Then why would I love you any less?" Oh Lord! You frustrate me. LOL OK fine so you don't love me any less but why not take away the pain? "To teach you something?" What? Utter reliance on God. You need me in all circumstances and at all times." Pretty powerful stuff right there.

 New day new pain. Or not new pain but the pain is worse. I ask why God why? Could there not be another way to have utter reliance on you? Does it have to be through pain? How do I deal with all the pain? A lady I follow on Facebook posted this yesterday. "But every time I prayed about The Presence Project and this work of shaking free of anxiety through practicing the Presence of God, I see the seeds of the dandelion. A sending out. Seeds on the wind." Then this is what I responded with. "So wondering what exactly do you mean by practicing the presence of God relieves anxiety? How does one go about that?" Her response " that’s the journey I’ll be sharing on the podcast, one practice at a time." Then I responded "thanks but I'm struggling now. 😂 You mean I have to wait for answers? But I want relief now. Answers now. 😂 Asked a friend to pray for me today. Have a headache, neck and back pain. Anxiety wants me to think what if it get's worse? Friend message me "Remember give surrender fear and pain to God. Thats His to handle. Fight back in Thanksgiving and Praise. Submit your thoughts about it. Letting go." Thanksgiving and praise? How am I to worship through the pain. Does worship relieve the pain? Maybe just take my mind off of the pain? What comes to mind is the doxology. In that song it does not say based on your circumstances praise God. No we are just to praise Him. Even in the midst of sadness and pain." So how does one go about praising in and through the pain? I tend to get distracted by my pain and get fixated on it. But how do I ignore it? To put it at the back of my mind? How indeed! 

 As you can see as I copy and pasted from Facebook into here it changed the font. Would not let me change the font. I don't have the ability to retype this all out. So my blog looks funky today. Oh well. 

What the Ride We Are On

Wow what the ride we are on. As you know I am going through hormonal changes that are driving me nuts. My emotions have settled down so thankful for that. But this anxiety has not. So trying to deal with that. But it is pretty hard. I don't like anxiety and want it to leave in Jesus name. I met with a friend who suffers with anxiety. She gave me some great tips. So at the first sign of anxiety I say Jesus's name over and over out loud. Then read scriptures. Also have some key people assigned to pray for you and message them to please pray. This is all such new territory for me. There were other tips as well but these are the main ones I remember at the moment. I've been trying them. But most times to no avail. I've also started to take a natural menopause medicine. Hoping one of the things it will help with is the anxiety. Waiting. The meds say they could take up to a month or longer to kick in.

Also right now in our lives we have had a small disaster happen. So it has been hard for me to hold it together. On Wednesday April 17th we had a small house fire. We have been houseless ever since. What happened was at 9:45 pm my daughter asked if she could dry her cloths. See we don't like to wash or dry cloths after 10 pm due to we have renters in our basement. So to be nice we shut things down then. But as I also didn't want my daughters cloths to stink overnight and be rewashed I said yes go ahead and dry them. As soon as she started the dryer it started squeaking. So I told her to stop the dryer and let dad oil the wheel. My hubby would often take a drop of WD40 and put it on the wheel of the dryer to stop squeaking. It would last for many loads till he had to do it again. So I had just gotten out of the bath and went to my room to get dressed for bed. When I'm in my room I hear an explosion and my husband yelling "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. In my shock I run out naked to see what happened. To then see my son at the end of the hall. Remember I am naked and run back into my room to put cloths on. PJ's and Jeans and run out again. To see flames shooting out of the dryer at my husband. I ask him should I call 911? He does not answer. Just keeps reaching his bare arm into the flames. I am thinking what the bloody hell is he doing? So I am yelling at him do I call 911? I just do. Tell them we have flames shooting out our dryer. They say get every person and pets out of your house now. This could go bad. Also turn off the breaker for the dryer. Fire department is on the way. My hubby is still reaching for something in the flames when he runs into the kitchen to grab our rubber oven mitt put that on and continue to reach into the flames. When I now see flames on the carpet beside him. I yell at him to put out the flames on the carpet. Which he does. I call downstairs to my renters to ask them to turn off the breaker and say we have to get out of the house so I assume that means you too. My hubby is now trying to put out the flames in the dryer. Which he does and the whole house fills with smoke. Our kids find one cat not two. We exit the house as fire department has now arrived. I tell them fire is out but house is filled with smoke. They stay 30 minutes check that all is well. Have a machine that sucks the smoke out of your house. Which they run. Then deem it safe for us to go back inside. Renters suite is fine. Smoke rises. We walk back inside our house and it is still so smokey. No way we can sleep here tonight. But where will we sleep? My daughter suggests friends who live close by. I give them a call explain what just happened. They say come over we will make beds for you all. Blessing of friendship.

So what happened was as my husband reached into the dryer with the WD40 to oil the wheel he got electrocuted. Then the flames started and he dropped the can of WD40 into the flames. So did not want a worse explosion. So was desperately trying to get the can out. Also in doing so he got electrocuted again. He thinks their must have been a live wire and the can was touching it. Finally he clued in to unplug the dryer. Then grabbed the can and threw it on the carpet. Hence the flames on the carpet. I had no idea the can was in the dryer and what was all going on. Could have been so worse. It's hard for me to write about this. Anxiety wants to start. Such a stressful time. Oh and lets not forget hubby's burns. He got some first degree burns on his cheek and arm. Mild second degree burns on lips and nose. Healing nicely.

Next day talking with my sister she suggested making an insurance claim. I had never done that before. So started that ball rolling. Insurance said to go shopping and buy three outfits for each family member and any toiletries you need. He also said that he heard we were going to Vancouver for Easter. To still go that insurance was paying for a hotel. So we did. Our lovely friends said we could stay at their house till Tuesday. So today looking for more accomodations. Hoteling it for now. Insurance does not think it will be long out of our house. But we wait on a report from our restoration crew.

Wowie wow wow! Such a crazy ride we are on. I am having anxiety attacks almost every day. They can sure leave I tell you. But we will try and make the most of this crazy ride. Treat it like a holiday! So lets find a great hotel with a pool and hot tub! Lets live it up the best we can. Oh wait kids have school and hubby has work. Well the best we can during our off hours.
I know God is turning this negative situation around for good. Blessings have and are coming. So what is our new normal?

What Do You Do When Your Angry At God?

Do you get angry at God? Do you ever swear at Him. Do you ever think not nice thoughts about this God you love? Can you love someone and be angry at the same time? Can you praise Him one moment then curse at Him the next? Can God handle all of ones feelings? Can you handle all of your feelings and what comes out of you? Can you be real with God? I know God wants all of us. Not part. So if all of you brings some undesirable thoughts and feelings I know God can handle it. 

I am on quite the journey at the moment. Last night I went to a women's conference at our church called IF Gathering. Look them up it is a wonderful women's conference. But with all that has been going on with me and I have much more going on. I didn't know if I would be able to be there. You see from talking with other women. We need each other women. We can't and were not meat to do this journey alone. I have discovered that I am perimenopausal. I'm hormonal and my hormones are a mess right now. So I arrive at church and I am not doing well. Feels like I am barely hanging on by a thread. Our church has a coffee shop where we make fancy drinks. It was to be open when I arrived. I lead this coffee shop. But the lady who was to be on was not there. So I jump into action. But I feel now like I can't do this I'm going to start crying. So a lovely lady is standing close by and she is on the prayer team. So I call her over. Tell her all that is going on and she prays. Another team member who is not scheduled to serve jumps into action as well. I tell her that I am about to cry. She says no your not. Then threw some scriptures at me. I started pulling it together. Third lady jumped into action. We were up and operational. But I'm still barely hanging on. 

I go to my table where we will be sitting. I'm sitting with my Thursday morning bible study ladies. Love these ladies. At each spot there is a small hand made purse. Change purse size. I open one up and there is a card inside. Mine said 

On the back side it said 

I was blown away. I showed it to my friend. She said Deborah that is meant for you. That is your seat. I said yes it is. I stuck it in my lanyard behind my name tag. So I could refer to it the whole conference. It was quite the emotional roller coaster ride last night. I was happy one moment, then crying the next. At one point a speaker asked us to turn to the person next to us and tell them the first things that comes to mind when you think of God? Go! I thankfully had no one next to me. The seat was empty. Because the first thing that entered my mind in that moment were swear words. Then after that speaker if I remember correctly we entered a time of worship. I am trying to worship but it's hard to sing through tears. Then this song comes on It is Well. I hear in my head sing these words because they are true. Here are some of the lyrics. 

 

"And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You

And it is well with me So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
The waves and wind still know His name"

Then more just singing it is well with my soul over and over again. I am singing. God asked me to sing this truth so I did. Maybe in singing it it will become my anthem? Maybe it will penetrate deep down? Maybe I can believe it? Just maybe. So glad to be here as hard as it is to be on such an emotional roller coaster. But I am entering today hopeful as to what God has in store for me. I don't know. 

Be a Blessing!

So the day of my last blog post I felt better that day then I had in a long time. In the evening on that day before bed I was feeling amorous. As was my hubby. So I left my room to say good night to the kids. They are 14 and 15 and still like to be prayed for before bed. Habit we keep doing and they keep wanting. So why stop. But as I am walking down the hall I hear crying from my daughter. I go to the kitchen to see her sitting on a stool crying and my son staring at something on the floor. So I asked what happened? My daughter says through cries that she was trying to make her lunch for school tomorrow when the olive can fell out of the fridge and onto the floor. My mind goes mom is needed. Daughter is over tired and I will clean up this mess. So I tell daughter that she should go to bed. Make lunch in the morning. My son has grabbed paper towel already to start cleaning up. I say we will clean up the mess.  I ask if he could pick up all the olive bits and I will wipe up the liquid. Thinking what is the big deal. But as I am down on all fours cleaning up the liquid my back really starts to hurt. I mean really hurt. So I start to cry and cry and cry. My son says mom I can clean that up for you. So sweet of him. Broke my heart. But at that point I was done. I think how can I have sex now with all my crying. I say good night to the kids and head to my room, where I find my husband falling asleep. So I slip into bed and cry some more. I just want to be able to be a mom. Really God? Is that too much to ask? Cleaning up the floor should be a simple thing to do. Like really. Not crying quietly enough hubby hears and asks what's up. So I tell him what happened. Then how I came to bed and he was falling asleep. He said we can still have sex if you want to. You would think that would be a good thing and it is but I'm having health issues in that regard. So not as enjoyable for me.

When life is hard what does one do? Lament? Cry? Pray? Worship? How does one see a light at the end of a dark tunnel? How does one praise in the pain? I was telling a friend about my chronic pain. She told me how she has chronic pain too. She recommended a book to me. Written by a man who was a missionary and got sick and it turned into an autoimmune disease. He makes you look at prayer differently when praying for yourself or others with chronic illness. So I got a hold of his book called The Uninvited Companion by Scott E. Shaum. I read chapter one today. Moved me. Here are the notes I took.

- "could it  be that pain, although painful is a grace and therefore not necessarily "bad"?"

- "God has designed the human soul to require suffering to reach maturity."

- "Paul calls us to "rejoice in our sufferings." (Romans 5:3) and James wrote that we are to consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2) these men were not masochists. Rather they know something of the work of God through life's hardships. They did not rejoice in the pain; they rejoiced in what God was doing in the midst of the pain. Knowing this reality caused them to have a profoundly different response to suffering. They knew suffering as a needed gift in this life."

- Our pain in the hand of a loving father brings forth amazing transformation that otherwise would not happen."

- "Suffering never has the final say our God does."

Looking forward to reading more and gleaming from this mans experience.

So this week my husband has been doing two hours overtime a day. He is doing four tomorrow and being taken out by a friend for his birthday. We normally grocery shop on Saturdays. I wondered how we would do that this week? Knowing my hubby will be tired from work tonight and it's Friday. I really didn't think he would want to grocery shop then. So I contacted a friend to see if she was free to take me to Costco. She said yes she could if I could get it all done in 30 minutes. She asked you just have a few things to get? No I said but I could do it all in that time. See I really wanted to bless my hubby and not make him have to go. So I was determined I could do it. I had no time to plan a list or check supplies I had to go when my friend was free. So off we went and you know if you really set your mind to it and boogie you can get a weeks shopping done in 30 minutes. My friend actually checked her watch and I had done it in 20 minutes! Woo I'm smokin! With all my back pain I don't usually lift groceries into the car or carry much into the house. With my beautiful friend she did all of that for me. I am so blessed. Thank you Jesus. We need community. We can't do this life on our own.

Was thinking as my friend left that I should make cookies. I wanted to bless her with some to take to work for her supper later today. So I put everything away fast, ate and made cookies just in time for my friend who was zipping back over to pick up her groceries she left here, as she did not have time to get them home before running more errands. This is what I gave her.

When she popped over in her rush. She said are they for my kids? No they are for your supper at work. She said I'm going to start crying. I said I love you. Off she went. I just knew she needed those cookies. So I pushed aside my back pain and thought I need to do this for my friend. Also their will be some for my family. Blessings all around.

Today I still have pain but it feels good to bless others. Oh and those dreaded feelings and thoughts that I was suffering with I have not had any since Sunday! Praise the Lord. Thank you also to all those who are praying for me. What a blessing that is. :) What do you do to push past the hard things in life to be a blessing? To do what God is calling you to do?  Share your thoughts in the comments.

No End In Site

It has been a long time since I have written anything. But I have felt a stirring to write again. For those of you wondering daughter is doing fine and cancer free. Praise the Lord for that.

Today I am writing about my personal journey. The season I find myself in at present. It started back in the fall of 2018. In the fall I started to pursue becoming a travel agent. A dream I have had for 25 years. Really feel the Lord leading me in this direction. Also in the fall my husband and I took on leadership of our churches brand new coffee shop where we serve specialty drinks. I did a lot of work to get that up and off the ground. My kids entered new grades 9 and 10. My 14 year old daughter got her first job. So I had lots going on.

To start the coffee shop I put my travel agent job on hold so I could fully focus on the coffee shop. I'm wondering if all of these things had a hand in what started to go on for me. See I have on occasion gotten a migraine. If you have ever had one of those you know how debilitating they can be. One day I walked into my bathroom and heard in my head "you're going to get a migraine and it's not going to be good." Then this horrible feeling feel on me. I had never had this happen to me before. Wondered what was going on? Still wonder that. No migraine came. Then a couple or a few weeks later same thing happened again. Scared me. Told my husband about it. He said fear is not of God. Ok let it go and move on. Again no migraine came. These thoughts and horrid feels would come very infrequently. But sometime late in the fall or December even I started to get back and neck pain. Now I have osteoarthritis in my middle to upper back. But most of the time it does not bother me. But this pain would come day after day. Be debilitating. It would last a week or more then I would get some relief. Then the cycle would start all over again. I had no idea what was going on. Was it the osteoarthritis and had it spread? Or was something else causing it? I tried all kinds of medicines. But nothing seemed to work. One would work one time but not the next. it was very frustrating. In the fall I was praying about becoming a travel agent. I asked the Lord how can I do this job I have so many physical ailments? I felt the Lord tell me that once I got a job as a travel agent I would be healed. But right now the job hunt has been put on hold running the coffee shop. So is healing put on hold then too?

It's now January a new year. Oh the back pain is so bad. What do I do? Well one Saturday I am at church. We offer prayer ministry during the end worship time. I go up for prayer. One of our associate pastors prays for me. After the prayer I stand there basking in the Lords presence. It's a beautiful few moments. What comes into my head is "you are healed". I think to myself but I still feel pain. Then I go up and grab communion. I sit down and bow my head. I thank the Lord for the wine and bread. When in my head I hear " this is my body broken for you, this my blood shed for you, eat, drink and be healed." So I do and think I still feel pain. So am I healed or not? Now healing can come in all different forms. I am praying and hoping for physical healing. I do not feel that. So do I walk out that I am healed even though I don't feel healed? So confused. God does not always make sense. Pain continues never ends. Only goes away when I sleep. Few weeks go by maybe more. I am at church again. I go up for prayer for healing again. Different associate pastor. Again still pain. So now what? Every night before bed my husband and I pray for each other. Every night it seems like he prays for healing and every morning the pain is back.

Now those other thoughts I talked about at the beginning that flood my mind and bring horrid feels are coming all the time. Don't eat that it could cause a migraine. Oh they have perfume on that could bring on a migraine. What the heck is wrong with me I think? Where are these thoughts coming from? Me? Satan? Where? So I feel like maybe I am in a season of lament. But also at the same time feel like I am not as well. If you would ask me are you happy? No no I am not. Pain all the time and these strange thoughts and feelings that won't leave me alone. When will this vicious cycle ever end? I live for 10 pm when I can go to bed and have this day end. Then at least I can have relief. I wake up hopeful. Do 20 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes devotions and time with God, and 20 minutes of learning something new. Then get ready for the day. By then the back pain is getting worse. I think what am I able to do today? Not much as most things cause my pain to get worse. So I will try and survive the day. Oh but days I have stuff to do to take my mind of of me and this pain. Those are very helpful to me. I need to get out of my head.

One day it's a Saturday and I am having quite time with God in the morning. I am given this scripture. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Oh thank you God. These words are what I need. I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon by Jesus and nothing can penetrate it. Not Satan, not my own thoughts nothing. I am protected by Jesus. Cool. That evening my pastor is preaching on fear. I need that message. So there were a few things my pastor said that spoke to me. They are

-When I am a worshiper I'm not a worrier.

- Keep your eyes on the things above.

- Worship breaks fear.

I am feeling so good. God is speaking to me. We enter a time of worship after the sermon. We sing this song. No Longer Slaves. One of the lines in the song is "I'm no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God." I sung this song with gusto! Felt that fear was broken in me that day. Woo Hoo! But life goes on and those thoughts keep coming. I felt like nothing can penetrate me I'm wrapped in a Jesus cocoon. But over time when the thoughts and horrid feelings never stop and the pain never ends I don't believe I have a cocoon wrapping me and protecting me. I'm angry at God. I swear at him in my head. Then right away's feel bad and apologize. God when will the pain ever end? What is going on?

One Saturday night at church the preacher is sharing on Jesus and how on His time on earth people looked to Him for what He could do for them and not for relationship with Him. They wanted his healing not the healer. We can be like that. We can look to God for His ability to heal and not relationship. Or we come to worship hoping for that really great feeling we had that one time. Rather then relationship with Jesus. Not that these things are bad the healing or the feelings. Yes we can want those things even look for and ask for them. But really what we should want and look for is relationship with Jesus. So I'm hearing this. Yes I want Jesus. I want relationship. So worship and communion starts. I ask myself a question I often ask before taking communion how should I come? A lot of times something comes to mind. Today nothing. Ok that is fine. Then in my head comes just worship me. Ok I can do that. I start to sing but the pain is bad so I can't. I cry instead. How can I sing Lord? I want to but I can't. So I cry. I cry through most of worship. Then we sing a new song. Ain't No Grave Oh and it's amazing! Take a listen to it. One of the lines is "Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down." Another "Oh fear is a liar with a smooth and velvet tongue, fear is a tyrant he's always telling me to run. Oh love is a resurrection and love is a trumpet sound love is my weapon, I'm gonna take my giants down." So powerful. Loved it so much. I have moments of hope and joy amidst all the pain.

So life goes on and how does one do life with chronic pain? I have tried prayer, pain meds, chiropractic, Osteopathy, and will be going to the doctor again. Heard these words yesterday "show me what your up to today God and how do I partner with you in that?" I want to still do God's will and see Him in my daily life. So somehow I press on. Then I get a day like today. This morning was odd indeed. I woke up with a smile on my face and praying that I would be filled with hope and joy. Then the lyrics to a song came to mind. "In the trial and the trouble my soul rejoice." The song is called Life is Beautiful. I went for an hour walk this morning. So good. It was such a rich time. See I listened to a couple of albums by Rend Collective. A few of their songs spoke to me. Maybe they will speak to you as well.

Count Every Blessing
"You were there the valley of shadows
You were there in the depth of my sorrows
You're my strength, my hope for tomorrow
I've been blessed  beyond all measure
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I can not see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me."

True North
"I will not let the darkness steal the joy within my soul
I will not let the circumstances become my compass no
I will not let the fears of life and sorrows of this world
Dictate to me how I should feel for you are my true north."

Weep With Me (reprise)
"Blessed are those who morn
For you will be comforted
Blessed are you when your heartbroken
As He's the binder of your wounds
He's gonna set you on your feet again
He's gonna give you hope to breath again
Even in the darkness He's beautiful
Even in the shadows He loves you still
What's true in the light
Is still true in the dark."

I don't know what God has in store for me next. But I keep seeking His face and holding His hand. Yes emotionally today is a better day. My spirits are up. But pain oh the pain the never ending pain is still here. But God's got me. He has got you to. No matter what you are going through hold onto hope. Hold onto Jesus. He loves you and is with you. Even in the dark.