What the Ride We Are On

Wow what the ride we are on. As you know I am going through hormonal changes that are driving me nuts. My emotions have settled down so thankful for that. But this anxiety has not. So trying to deal with that. But it is pretty hard. I don't like anxiety and want it to leave in Jesus name. I met with a friend who suffers with anxiety. She gave me some great tips. So at the first sign of anxiety I say Jesus's name over and over out loud. Then read scriptures. Also have some key people assigned to pray for you and message them to please pray. This is all such new territory for me. There were other tips as well but these are the main ones I remember at the moment. I've been trying them. But most times to no avail. I've also started to take a natural menopause medicine. Hoping one of the things it will help with is the anxiety. Waiting. The meds say they could take up to a month or longer to kick in.

Also right now in our lives we have had a small disaster happen. So it has been hard for me to hold it together. On Wednesday April 17th we had a small house fire. We have been houseless ever since. What happened was at 9:45 pm my daughter asked if she could dry her cloths. See we don't like to wash or dry cloths after 10 pm due to we have renters in our basement. So to be nice we shut things down then. But as I also didn't want my daughters cloths to stink overnight and be rewashed I said yes go ahead and dry them. As soon as she started the dryer it started squeaking. So I told her to stop the dryer and let dad oil the wheel. My hubby would often take a drop of WD40 and put it on the wheel of the dryer to stop squeaking. It would last for many loads till he had to do it again. So I had just gotten out of the bath and went to my room to get dressed for bed. When I'm in my room I hear an explosion and my husband yelling "oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. In my shock I run out naked to see what happened. To then see my son at the end of the hall. Remember I am naked and run back into my room to put cloths on. PJ's and Jeans and run out again. To see flames shooting out of the dryer at my husband. I ask him should I call 911? He does not answer. Just keeps reaching his bare arm into the flames. I am thinking what the bloody hell is he doing? So I am yelling at him do I call 911? I just do. Tell them we have flames shooting out our dryer. They say get every person and pets out of your house now. This could go bad. Also turn off the breaker for the dryer. Fire department is on the way. My hubby is still reaching for something in the flames when he runs into the kitchen to grab our rubber oven mitt put that on and continue to reach into the flames. When I now see flames on the carpet beside him. I yell at him to put out the flames on the carpet. Which he does. I call downstairs to my renters to ask them to turn off the breaker and say we have to get out of the house so I assume that means you too. My hubby is now trying to put out the flames in the dryer. Which he does and the whole house fills with smoke. Our kids find one cat not two. We exit the house as fire department has now arrived. I tell them fire is out but house is filled with smoke. They stay 30 minutes check that all is well. Have a machine that sucks the smoke out of your house. Which they run. Then deem it safe for us to go back inside. Renters suite is fine. Smoke rises. We walk back inside our house and it is still so smokey. No way we can sleep here tonight. But where will we sleep? My daughter suggests friends who live close by. I give them a call explain what just happened. They say come over we will make beds for you all. Blessing of friendship.

So what happened was as my husband reached into the dryer with the WD40 to oil the wheel he got electrocuted. Then the flames started and he dropped the can of WD40 into the flames. So did not want a worse explosion. So was desperately trying to get the can out. Also in doing so he got electrocuted again. He thinks their must have been a live wire and the can was touching it. Finally he clued in to unplug the dryer. Then grabbed the can and threw it on the carpet. Hence the flames on the carpet. I had no idea the can was in the dryer and what was all going on. Could have been so worse. It's hard for me to write about this. Anxiety wants to start. Such a stressful time. Oh and lets not forget hubby's burns. He got some first degree burns on his cheek and arm. Mild second degree burns on lips and nose. Healing nicely.

Next day talking with my sister she suggested making an insurance claim. I had never done that before. So started that ball rolling. Insurance said to go shopping and buy three outfits for each family member and any toiletries you need. He also said that he heard we were going to Vancouver for Easter. To still go that insurance was paying for a hotel. So we did. Our lovely friends said we could stay at their house till Tuesday. So today looking for more accomodations. Hoteling it for now. Insurance does not think it will be long out of our house. But we wait on a report from our restoration crew.

Wowie wow wow! Such a crazy ride we are on. I am having anxiety attacks almost every day. They can sure leave I tell you. But we will try and make the most of this crazy ride. Treat it like a holiday! So lets find a great hotel with a pool and hot tub! Lets live it up the best we can. Oh wait kids have school and hubby has work. Well the best we can during our off hours.
I know God is turning this negative situation around for good. Blessings have and are coming. So what is our new normal?

What Do You Do When Your Angry At God?

Do you get angry at God? Do you ever swear at Him. Do you ever think not nice thoughts about this God you love? Can you love someone and be angry at the same time? Can you praise Him one moment then curse at Him the next? Can God handle all of ones feelings? Can you handle all of your feelings and what comes out of you? Can you be real with God? I know God wants all of us. Not part. So if all of you brings some undesirable thoughts and feelings I know God can handle it. 

I am on quite the journey at the moment. Last night I went to a women's conference at our church called IF Gathering. Look them up it is a wonderful women's conference. But with all that has been going on with me and I have much more going on. I didn't know if I would be able to be there. You see from talking with other women. We need each other women. We can't and were not meat to do this journey alone. I have discovered that I am perimenopausal. I'm hormonal and my hormones are a mess right now. So I arrive at church and I am not doing well. Feels like I am barely hanging on by a thread. Our church has a coffee shop where we make fancy drinks. It was to be open when I arrived. I lead this coffee shop. But the lady who was to be on was not there. So I jump into action. But I feel now like I can't do this I'm going to start crying. So a lovely lady is standing close by and she is on the prayer team. So I call her over. Tell her all that is going on and she prays. Another team member who is not scheduled to serve jumps into action as well. I tell her that I am about to cry. She says no your not. Then threw some scriptures at me. I started pulling it together. Third lady jumped into action. We were up and operational. But I'm still barely hanging on. 

I go to my table where we will be sitting. I'm sitting with my Thursday morning bible study ladies. Love these ladies. At each spot there is a small hand made purse. Change purse size. I open one up and there is a card inside. Mine said 

On the back side it said 

I was blown away. I showed it to my friend. She said Deborah that is meant for you. That is your seat. I said yes it is. I stuck it in my lanyard behind my name tag. So I could refer to it the whole conference. It was quite the emotional roller coaster ride last night. I was happy one moment, then crying the next. At one point a speaker asked us to turn to the person next to us and tell them the first things that comes to mind when you think of God? Go! I thankfully had no one next to me. The seat was empty. Because the first thing that entered my mind in that moment were swear words. Then after that speaker if I remember correctly we entered a time of worship. I am trying to worship but it's hard to sing through tears. Then this song comes on It is Well. I hear in my head sing these words because they are true. Here are some of the lyrics. 

 

"And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You

And it is well with me So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name
The waves and wind still know His name"

Then more just singing it is well with my soul over and over again. I am singing. God asked me to sing this truth so I did. Maybe in singing it it will become my anthem? Maybe it will penetrate deep down? Maybe I can believe it? Just maybe. So glad to be here as hard as it is to be on such an emotional roller coaster. But I am entering today hopeful as to what God has in store for me. I don't know. 

Be a Blessing!

So the day of my last blog post I felt better that day then I had in a long time. In the evening on that day before bed I was feeling amorous. As was my hubby. So I left my room to say good night to the kids. They are 14 and 15 and still like to be prayed for before bed. Habit we keep doing and they keep wanting. So why stop. But as I am walking down the hall I hear crying from my daughter. I go to the kitchen to see her sitting on a stool crying and my son staring at something on the floor. So I asked what happened? My daughter says through cries that she was trying to make her lunch for school tomorrow when the olive can fell out of the fridge and onto the floor. My mind goes mom is needed. Daughter is over tired and I will clean up this mess. So I tell daughter that she should go to bed. Make lunch in the morning. My son has grabbed paper towel already to start cleaning up. I say we will clean up the mess.  I ask if he could pick up all the olive bits and I will wipe up the liquid. Thinking what is the big deal. But as I am down on all fours cleaning up the liquid my back really starts to hurt. I mean really hurt. So I start to cry and cry and cry. My son says mom I can clean that up for you. So sweet of him. Broke my heart. But at that point I was done. I think how can I have sex now with all my crying. I say good night to the kids and head to my room, where I find my husband falling asleep. So I slip into bed and cry some more. I just want to be able to be a mom. Really God? Is that too much to ask? Cleaning up the floor should be a simple thing to do. Like really. Not crying quietly enough hubby hears and asks what's up. So I tell him what happened. Then how I came to bed and he was falling asleep. He said we can still have sex if you want to. You would think that would be a good thing and it is but I'm having health issues in that regard. So not as enjoyable for me.

When life is hard what does one do? Lament? Cry? Pray? Worship? How does one see a light at the end of a dark tunnel? How does one praise in the pain? I was telling a friend about my chronic pain. She told me how she has chronic pain too. She recommended a book to me. Written by a man who was a missionary and got sick and it turned into an autoimmune disease. He makes you look at prayer differently when praying for yourself or others with chronic illness. So I got a hold of his book called The Uninvited Companion by Scott E. Shaum. I read chapter one today. Moved me. Here are the notes I took.

- "could it  be that pain, although painful is a grace and therefore not necessarily "bad"?"

- "God has designed the human soul to require suffering to reach maturity."

- "Paul calls us to "rejoice in our sufferings." (Romans 5:3) and James wrote that we are to consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds..." (James 1:2) these men were not masochists. Rather they know something of the work of God through life's hardships. They did not rejoice in the pain; they rejoiced in what God was doing in the midst of the pain. Knowing this reality caused them to have a profoundly different response to suffering. They knew suffering as a needed gift in this life."

- Our pain in the hand of a loving father brings forth amazing transformation that otherwise would not happen."

- "Suffering never has the final say our God does."

Looking forward to reading more and gleaming from this mans experience.

So this week my husband has been doing two hours overtime a day. He is doing four tomorrow and being taken out by a friend for his birthday. We normally grocery shop on Saturdays. I wondered how we would do that this week? Knowing my hubby will be tired from work tonight and it's Friday. I really didn't think he would want to grocery shop then. So I contacted a friend to see if she was free to take me to Costco. She said yes she could if I could get it all done in 30 minutes. She asked you just have a few things to get? No I said but I could do it all in that time. See I really wanted to bless my hubby and not make him have to go. So I was determined I could do it. I had no time to plan a list or check supplies I had to go when my friend was free. So off we went and you know if you really set your mind to it and boogie you can get a weeks shopping done in 30 minutes. My friend actually checked her watch and I had done it in 20 minutes! Woo I'm smokin! With all my back pain I don't usually lift groceries into the car or carry much into the house. With my beautiful friend she did all of that for me. I am so blessed. Thank you Jesus. We need community. We can't do this life on our own.

Was thinking as my friend left that I should make cookies. I wanted to bless her with some to take to work for her supper later today. So I put everything away fast, ate and made cookies just in time for my friend who was zipping back over to pick up her groceries she left here, as she did not have time to get them home before running more errands. This is what I gave her.

When she popped over in her rush. She said are they for my kids? No they are for your supper at work. She said I'm going to start crying. I said I love you. Off she went. I just knew she needed those cookies. So I pushed aside my back pain and thought I need to do this for my friend. Also their will be some for my family. Blessings all around.

Today I still have pain but it feels good to bless others. Oh and those dreaded feelings and thoughts that I was suffering with I have not had any since Sunday! Praise the Lord. Thank you also to all those who are praying for me. What a blessing that is. :) What do you do to push past the hard things in life to be a blessing? To do what God is calling you to do?  Share your thoughts in the comments.

No End In Site

It has been a long time since I have written anything. But I have felt a stirring to write again. For those of you wondering daughter is doing fine and cancer free. Praise the Lord for that.

Today I am writing about my personal journey. The season I find myself in at present. It started back in the fall of 2018. In the fall I started to pursue becoming a travel agent. A dream I have had for 25 years. Really feel the Lord leading me in this direction. Also in the fall my husband and I took on leadership of our churches brand new coffee shop where we serve specialty drinks. I did a lot of work to get that up and off the ground. My kids entered new grades 9 and 10. My 14 year old daughter got her first job. So I had lots going on.

To start the coffee shop I put my travel agent job on hold so I could fully focus on the coffee shop. I'm wondering if all of these things had a hand in what started to go on for me. See I have on occasion gotten a migraine. If you have ever had one of those you know how debilitating they can be. One day I walked into my bathroom and heard in my head "you're going to get a migraine and it's not going to be good." Then this horrible feeling feel on me. I had never had this happen to me before. Wondered what was going on? Still wonder that. No migraine came. Then a couple or a few weeks later same thing happened again. Scared me. Told my husband about it. He said fear is not of God. Ok let it go and move on. Again no migraine came. These thoughts and horrid feels would come very infrequently. But sometime late in the fall or December even I started to get back and neck pain. Now I have osteoarthritis in my middle to upper back. But most of the time it does not bother me. But this pain would come day after day. Be debilitating. It would last a week or more then I would get some relief. Then the cycle would start all over again. I had no idea what was going on. Was it the osteoarthritis and had it spread? Or was something else causing it? I tried all kinds of medicines. But nothing seemed to work. One would work one time but not the next. it was very frustrating. In the fall I was praying about becoming a travel agent. I asked the Lord how can I do this job I have so many physical ailments? I felt the Lord tell me that once I got a job as a travel agent I would be healed. But right now the job hunt has been put on hold running the coffee shop. So is healing put on hold then too?

It's now January a new year. Oh the back pain is so bad. What do I do? Well one Saturday I am at church. We offer prayer ministry during the end worship time. I go up for prayer. One of our associate pastors prays for me. After the prayer I stand there basking in the Lords presence. It's a beautiful few moments. What comes into my head is "you are healed". I think to myself but I still feel pain. Then I go up and grab communion. I sit down and bow my head. I thank the Lord for the wine and bread. When in my head I hear " this is my body broken for you, this my blood shed for you, eat, drink and be healed." So I do and think I still feel pain. So am I healed or not? Now healing can come in all different forms. I am praying and hoping for physical healing. I do not feel that. So do I walk out that I am healed even though I don't feel healed? So confused. God does not always make sense. Pain continues never ends. Only goes away when I sleep. Few weeks go by maybe more. I am at church again. I go up for prayer for healing again. Different associate pastor. Again still pain. So now what? Every night before bed my husband and I pray for each other. Every night it seems like he prays for healing and every morning the pain is back.

Now those other thoughts I talked about at the beginning that flood my mind and bring horrid feels are coming all the time. Don't eat that it could cause a migraine. Oh they have perfume on that could bring on a migraine. What the heck is wrong with me I think? Where are these thoughts coming from? Me? Satan? Where? So I feel like maybe I am in a season of lament. But also at the same time feel like I am not as well. If you would ask me are you happy? No no I am not. Pain all the time and these strange thoughts and feelings that won't leave me alone. When will this vicious cycle ever end? I live for 10 pm when I can go to bed and have this day end. Then at least I can have relief. I wake up hopeful. Do 20 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes devotions and time with God, and 20 minutes of learning something new. Then get ready for the day. By then the back pain is getting worse. I think what am I able to do today? Not much as most things cause my pain to get worse. So I will try and survive the day. Oh but days I have stuff to do to take my mind of of me and this pain. Those are very helpful to me. I need to get out of my head.

One day it's a Saturday and I am having quite time with God in the morning. I am given this scripture. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Oh thank you God. These words are what I need. I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon by Jesus and nothing can penetrate it. Not Satan, not my own thoughts nothing. I am protected by Jesus. Cool. That evening my pastor is preaching on fear. I need that message. So there were a few things my pastor said that spoke to me. They are

-When I am a worshiper I'm not a worrier.

- Keep your eyes on the things above.

- Worship breaks fear.

I am feeling so good. God is speaking to me. We enter a time of worship after the sermon. We sing this song. No Longer Slaves. One of the lines in the song is "I'm no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God." I sung this song with gusto! Felt that fear was broken in me that day. Woo Hoo! But life goes on and those thoughts keep coming. I felt like nothing can penetrate me I'm wrapped in a Jesus cocoon. But over time when the thoughts and horrid feelings never stop and the pain never ends I don't believe I have a cocoon wrapping me and protecting me. I'm angry at God. I swear at him in my head. Then right away's feel bad and apologize. God when will the pain ever end? What is going on?

One Saturday night at church the preacher is sharing on Jesus and how on His time on earth people looked to Him for what He could do for them and not for relationship with Him. They wanted his healing not the healer. We can be like that. We can look to God for His ability to heal and not relationship. Or we come to worship hoping for that really great feeling we had that one time. Rather then relationship with Jesus. Not that these things are bad the healing or the feelings. Yes we can want those things even look for and ask for them. But really what we should want and look for is relationship with Jesus. So I'm hearing this. Yes I want Jesus. I want relationship. So worship and communion starts. I ask myself a question I often ask before taking communion how should I come? A lot of times something comes to mind. Today nothing. Ok that is fine. Then in my head comes just worship me. Ok I can do that. I start to sing but the pain is bad so I can't. I cry instead. How can I sing Lord? I want to but I can't. So I cry. I cry through most of worship. Then we sing a new song. Ain't No Grave Oh and it's amazing! Take a listen to it. One of the lines is "Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down." Another "Oh fear is a liar with a smooth and velvet tongue, fear is a tyrant he's always telling me to run. Oh love is a resurrection and love is a trumpet sound love is my weapon, I'm gonna take my giants down." So powerful. Loved it so much. I have moments of hope and joy amidst all the pain.

So life goes on and how does one do life with chronic pain? I have tried prayer, pain meds, chiropractic, Osteopathy, and will be going to the doctor again. Heard these words yesterday "show me what your up to today God and how do I partner with you in that?" I want to still do God's will and see Him in my daily life. So somehow I press on. Then I get a day like today. This morning was odd indeed. I woke up with a smile on my face and praying that I would be filled with hope and joy. Then the lyrics to a song came to mind. "In the trial and the trouble my soul rejoice." The song is called Life is Beautiful. I went for an hour walk this morning. So good. It was such a rich time. See I listened to a couple of albums by Rend Collective. A few of their songs spoke to me. Maybe they will speak to you as well.

Count Every Blessing
"You were there the valley of shadows
You were there in the depth of my sorrows
You're my strength, my hope for tomorrow
I've been blessed  beyond all measure
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I can not see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me."

True North
"I will not let the darkness steal the joy within my soul
I will not let the circumstances become my compass no
I will not let the fears of life and sorrows of this world
Dictate to me how I should feel for you are my true north."

Weep With Me (reprise)
"Blessed are those who morn
For you will be comforted
Blessed are you when your heartbroken
As He's the binder of your wounds
He's gonna set you on your feet again
He's gonna give you hope to breath again
Even in the darkness He's beautiful
Even in the shadows He loves you still
What's true in the light
Is still true in the dark."

I don't know what God has in store for me next. But I keep seeking His face and holding His hand. Yes emotionally today is a better day. My spirits are up. But pain oh the pain the never ending pain is still here. But God's got me. He has got you to. No matter what you are going through hold onto hope. Hold onto Jesus. He loves you and is with you. Even in the dark.