Hello Everyone it's a beautiful day
here where I live. Lovely day for a walk with my dog. Gone
hopefully are the days of unending clouds. Onto beautiful spring and
sunshine.
As I was walking my dog today again
listening to music as I go. I use to not do that. It's just been the
last couple of months that I started listening to music. But so good.
Today listening to Mercy Me Lifer album. Like I said last post it's
on repeat. Today as I'm going along feeling good then this song comes
on.
I'm still praising the Lord but tears
are welling up a little. It reminds me of when my dad is dying of
cancer at 64. We had just started a new church in the fall. My dad
was diagnosed July 1 2004 with pancreatic cancer and was not given long to
live. This church was singing a new song to us blessed be the name of
the Lord. Some of the lyrics were:
“Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out I'll
Turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name”
I would sit there in church not able to
sing. I would cry out to God please don't take my dad's life. Please
Lord heal him. I would sometimes try and sing but it would often lead
to tears and pleading prayers. It was a hard time. My dad had told me
in the summer that if it was his time to die he was ready to go home.
I was not ready for him to go. I hate cancer.
At this woman's conference I went to,
one of the speakers had cancer. She called it a gift. She said that
it drew her closer to Christ. I don't know if I could ever call
cancer a gift. But one thing I think about is my daughter and her
friends. See the day we left the ear nose and throat specialist's
office and were driving home. I told my daughter how important it is
for her to gather a support group around her. To tell some close
friends so that they can pray for you. Would be very good that you
tell your small group leader too. Madeline doesn't know who I have
all told. I need the love and support of others at this time. The
amazing prayers being lifted up. Hugely important. What I hope and
pray for is that through this journey Madeline and her friends faith
will be strengthened. That they will see miracles. That God will
reveal Himself to them. Do I want my daughter to go through this to
strengthen her faith? No not at all but as she is going through this
then yes God do a mighty work. Reveal yourself to her time and time
again.
I love the Lord and am close with him.
Right now I can sing Even If but the one line “but what will I say
when I'm held to the flame like I am right now.” When rubber hits
the road and I am more closer to the flame then I am right now then
what? Will I still be able to say “It is well with my soul'?
Deborah
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Hello everyone and welcome to my new blog, He weeps with me. I will explain the meaning of the blog title in a bit. As you all know Madeline has a low grade cancer. In August of 2017 she told us she felt a lump on her face. That started us on this journey.
Now it is April 23 2018. We await her surgery which is scheduled to take place May 8th at Kelowna General Hospital. For those of you wondering Madeline is doing great. She had to go for a biopsy to take some of the lump out to test it and see if it was cancer. While there prepping her face to remove some of the lump the nurse went to hold Madeline's hand and Madeline gave me this strange look. Like why is this lady holding my hand? She lied their perfectly still and had no stress showing on her face at all. She seemed perfectly at peace. Let me tell you I would be freaking out on the inside. Probably you would see it on the outside as well. But she was cool as a cucumber. The nurse and biopsy doctor were both impressed with her. The nurse said we have adults who come in here and don't do as well as you. Then when we saw the ear nose and throat specialist who would do the surgery, and he told us that it is 100% cancer.Which Madeline had not heard yet. We had been told it was most likely cancer but sending off results to Vancouver to verify for sure so we wanted to wait in telling Madeline. But when she heard it for the first time she took the news well. Also when we had our pre operation screening meeting, and we met with the anesthetists, who said that if she would like to bring a favourite teddy bear with her into surgery or a blanket she could. Madeline says but won't I be sleeping? Yes he said. I knew right aways what she was thinking. I explained to the anesthetists about her biopsy appointment and how that went. Said to Madeline that some people need one of those things with them but if you don't then don't bring one. She just seems so strong and courageous.
A few weeks ago I had started a new diet, lifestyle change really. I started the ketogenic diet for health reasons. You eat lots of vegetables, high fat meats, and dairy. It's a type of high fat low carb diet. Knowing that sugar feeds cancer Ben and I thought that Madeline should do the diet along with us. We explained a bit about sugar and it's effect on cancer she said so I shouldn't eat sugar then? I said no probably not. Ben said and all breads and pastas when eaten turn to sugar too. Next day she comes home from school and says mom guess what? One of my friends at school thinks she has celiac's and has to go on a special diet. I said to her I have cancer and am doing a special diet too. We can be diet buddies. She said it with such enthusiasm. What an amazing attitude. I am so proud of her.
She does have her downs too. This past weekend she was serving at our church in the kitchen. Helping with food prep. We had a women's conference on. So supper, breakfast, lunch, and snacks was proved. She has been embracing the diet. Easy to do when you are home and that is all the foods that are offered to you. But when you are out and offered food to eat as a way of saying thanks for serving. Then it gets hard. She begged me the one meal mom please can I have the strawberry salad? It was covered in a sugary dressing. So hard for me to say no sorry you can't. You brought your own dressing have the tossed salad. My momma heart was breaking.
At this conference we had the option to sign up for one of the three workshops. The one I chose was called good grief. I debated whether that was the right one for me or not. Madeline is not dying or anything. But when I thought about it there are things around this whole journey that I am grieving. So to know how to grieve well would be good. I sat there in this class and I cried. My friend beside me offered kleenex and wrapped her arm around me. This journey is hard. I handle it well most of the time but sometimes I weep. In this class which was lead by a lady who is a trauma counselor among other things, she shared the stages of grief.
Which are:
Denial (shock)
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Theological:
Death
Resurrection
She said that there is no set order as to when you will experience which. One moment your in anger then the next your in resurrection then up to depression. Grief is a journey and everyone will go through it very differently.
Then she shared what not to say to someone experiencing grief.
Do not:
Be insensitive
Minimize emotions
Compare person to someone else a project for yourself
Give false hope especially to children
Dishonest
Quick to fix
Pry into circumstances
Judge
Then she talked about how to help yourself.
Talking
Journaling
Self-care
Rest
Clinical
Antidepressants
Reading and Educating
Thank you to a dear friend for sharing your notes with me. I am an auditory learner so note taking is very difficult for me. So thankful I took this class. Wow I learned so much.
Another thing about this weekend that stood out to me was a story a lady shared. Her daughter who was 12 developed anxiety. One day on a road trip her anxiety kicked in. The mother said I could pray for my daughter and I will but there comes a time in her daughters life she has to take charge of her anxiety herself. So the mother found 33 scriptures to overcome anxiety. She said to her daughter I want you to read these out loud. So the daughter who is hyperventilating starts reading. As she is reading she starts calming down. By the end the anxiety is gone. I thought of Madeline and her upcoming surgery. She should pick a scripture or two to memorize and take with her into the surgery. Truth to hold onto. So on Sunday after my conference I am sharing some stuff I learned with her. This story was one of them. Then later that day as I am putting my daughter to bed, (by the way my 14 and 13 year old still like us to pray over them before bed) I see on her window she has written out a scripture. I say why did you write out that scripture? I don't know I just liked it. Maybe you should memorize that one?
Another thing I learned this weekend is worship is warfare, when you feel bloody keep singing. Powerful. Lately as I have been walking my dog I listen to christian music. Two albums I play on repeat right now are Mercy Me Lifer and Rend Collective Good News. Both albums are up beat and filled with such amazing truths. I walk through my neighbourhood praising the Lord! On Rend Collectives album they have a song called Weep with me. One line in the song is "Lord I believe that you weep with me." Such powerful lyrics throughout the whole song. This song is what I based my blog name after. Please take a listen.
I know that God loves us and will not forsake us. That He is walking along side of us holding our hands. We are not on this journey alone. Thank you for each one of you in our lives who offer up your prayers and your care for me, my daughter and our family. I feel loved and surrounded by an amazing group of people.
Blessing you with,
Jehovah Shalom
Deborah
(Shalom: safety, rest, prosperity, wholeness, welfare, completion, fullness, Soundness, and well being.)
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