Good Morning! It has been a long time since I have wrote on here. I have not felt the need to write. I have also not made writing a habit. I write and pour out my soul as needed. Maybe today is another day to do that. So it is March 25 2020. We as a world are in a pandemic. Their is a virus out there called covid 19. It is flu like. Many around the world are dying from it. It is very catchy. In Canada we have been asked to stay home. Self isolate. If you don't need to go out don't. Most businesses are closed. So no where really to go. My husband is still working and we go once a week and get groceries. Other then going for walks outside. We are staying in. It's the least we can do to help be a part of the solution not part of the problem. We are tying to do our part to help covid 19 not spread. We in our house are all healthy.
So the other day a pastor from my church asked me via text how are you doing? I said good. At that time that is how I felt. But that evening after dinner as my daughter went to her room and my husband and son went to play a video game I felt very alone. I went to my room and cried. Found it very hard to be by myself. Why I have spent many an evening by myself. Why cry now? Then the next day I felt weird. I did not know what to do with myself. Wandered around my house lost. Knew my Tuesday bible study was still planning on meeting in the afternoon. Online trying out the Zoom platform. So I had that to look forward too. Which I very much was. Finally just after lunch I went outside for a walk. Put on some Christian music and felt so much better. Came home to get ready for my Zoom bible study. Zoom is awesome I must say. 15 of us met for bible study. Worked really well. I have 15 wonderful faces looking back at me on my computer screen. We had laughes, we share how we were doing, we watched a video together and had time to pray for one another. It was a great time. Can't wait for next week. The rest of the day goes on I'm thinking I feel fine. Until 3:40 am when I am woken with a jolt!
3:40 sleeping peacefully, I am awoken to a very loud and strange door sound. None of my doors make this sound. Burglar in the house. I wake my husband. He says it's just our son going to the bathroom. Which it was. But his door? The new sound it made that scared me half to death. I lie there processing the tears start to flow. I can't stop them. They just keep coming. At first I thought it's just due to the scare I had I'm fine. But why won't the tears stop? My husband asks what is it? He is sensing something more. I feel like I just need to be hugged and told I'm going to be OK. But I don't feel OK. Anything but OK. So I hug my husband and cry on his naked chest. I start to pour out of me all of these feelings I did not know was inside me. He cuddles me as I cry on and off. I feel like I don't want him to leave. Like I want him to hug me all day. He must have sensed that because he says to me I can only miss work if I am sick. I know that. I really would not ask him to stay home over this. What comes to me at some point is others feel this way too. I am not alone. There will be others who feel worse then me. Even those who would consider suicide over their feelings and circumstances. So as I have been crying I have also been calling on the Holy Spirit to pray for me. Praying over myself again and again. Now praying for the others who feel like me or worse. Maybe I feel this way to be alerted to others who feel this way or worse. To hold them up in prayer.
I caught a bit more sleep after hubby left for work. Thought I woke up feeling better. But then as I received a text asking how I was I started to cry. So still emotional. So how does one process their feelings? I felt maybe blogging about it would help me sort myself out. But I am not sure this will or I can. I may just have to live with my feelings for a bit. Maybe I am to pray through them? How are you dealing with all of this? What are you doing to take care of your self? This is quite the journey we are on.
So the other day a pastor from my church asked me via text how are you doing? I said good. At that time that is how I felt. But that evening after dinner as my daughter went to her room and my husband and son went to play a video game I felt very alone. I went to my room and cried. Found it very hard to be by myself. Why I have spent many an evening by myself. Why cry now? Then the next day I felt weird. I did not know what to do with myself. Wandered around my house lost. Knew my Tuesday bible study was still planning on meeting in the afternoon. Online trying out the Zoom platform. So I had that to look forward too. Which I very much was. Finally just after lunch I went outside for a walk. Put on some Christian music and felt so much better. Came home to get ready for my Zoom bible study. Zoom is awesome I must say. 15 of us met for bible study. Worked really well. I have 15 wonderful faces looking back at me on my computer screen. We had laughes, we share how we were doing, we watched a video together and had time to pray for one another. It was a great time. Can't wait for next week. The rest of the day goes on I'm thinking I feel fine. Until 3:40 am when I am woken with a jolt!
3:40 sleeping peacefully, I am awoken to a very loud and strange door sound. None of my doors make this sound. Burglar in the house. I wake my husband. He says it's just our son going to the bathroom. Which it was. But his door? The new sound it made that scared me half to death. I lie there processing the tears start to flow. I can't stop them. They just keep coming. At first I thought it's just due to the scare I had I'm fine. But why won't the tears stop? My husband asks what is it? He is sensing something more. I feel like I just need to be hugged and told I'm going to be OK. But I don't feel OK. Anything but OK. So I hug my husband and cry on his naked chest. I start to pour out of me all of these feelings I did not know was inside me. He cuddles me as I cry on and off. I feel like I don't want him to leave. Like I want him to hug me all day. He must have sensed that because he says to me I can only miss work if I am sick. I know that. I really would not ask him to stay home over this. What comes to me at some point is others feel this way too. I am not alone. There will be others who feel worse then me. Even those who would consider suicide over their feelings and circumstances. So as I have been crying I have also been calling on the Holy Spirit to pray for me. Praying over myself again and again. Now praying for the others who feel like me or worse. Maybe I feel this way to be alerted to others who feel this way or worse. To hold them up in prayer.
I caught a bit more sleep after hubby left for work. Thought I woke up feeling better. But then as I received a text asking how I was I started to cry. So still emotional. So how does one process their feelings? I felt maybe blogging about it would help me sort myself out. But I am not sure this will or I can. I may just have to live with my feelings for a bit. Maybe I am to pray through them? How are you dealing with all of this? What are you doing to take care of your self? This is quite the journey we are on.
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