I have been debating sharing this post with the world. See the other day God lead me to write a poem about anxiety. I had a strong feeling that I was to share it with my one bible study group. I knew there was a message in that poem that was to be shared. But with the world? I was not sure. Then I was out with a friend the other day and I felt I was to share it with her so I did. It moved her. She said could you please post it on your blog so I can share it with my daughter. I thought about it and said yes. One of the reasons I share my story in this way is to be able to be a blessing to others. I hope that in writing my journey out that it will bless someone else. Encourage others. We were never meant to do this life alone. We need each other. You know things I don't know and I know things you don't know. If we don't talk with one another how do we gleam from each other. We were never meant to live alone on an island. Although some days I do want to escape from life. Make it all stop. Get off this merry go round.
So as I have shared I am hormonal, perimenopausal, and one of my symptoms I experience from time to time because of these things is anxiety. See I want to be careful here and encourage you to be careful as well. I don't want to label myself and claim sickness over myself. For years I would say I am a migraine suffer. Why did I do that? I am someone who on occasion would get a migraine but that does not make me a migraine sufferer. I am also many many things. But for this post this is what I am focusing on. Like I said in posting about this I hope to help others.
So this past Sunday in Canada we celebrated mothers day. A day where we honor our mothers. Usually with gifts of some sort and around a shared meal. We decided that the shared meal would be at our house. We would invite my husbands mom, dad and sister over. I was not sure this was going to work. See we were out of the house most of the week at a hotel. Due to our small house fire and them redoing our floors. We got back into the house on Saturday. Had errands to run in the afternoon. I was feeling a bit stressed. Asked our kids if they would move back all the furniture in the two rooms we had to move it out of. They said yes. I was concerned how that would all go. Knew being at home would stress me out. So I said after lunch I would ditch the family and go out shopping or some such thing. Teens could move all the stuff back and I would not see it. As I was out and about anxiety hit hard. I didn't even know if I would make it to church that evening. We have a Saturday night service that starts at 6pm. I love going to that service. But I also felt I could not go home. I have scent issues. What if my new floors give off a smell? Can I even be in my house? Maybe I need to go back to the hotel. Oh guys I loved it there. I had no stress. Hot tubbed twice a day. Used the pool twice a day. Never had to clean. It was lovely. House got done. For the most part. We had some stuff to finish up on Sunday and by we I mean hubby and kids. I don't work on mothers day. Yes I did go to church. But it was so hard to be there. Anxiety is hard to deal with. After church I saw one of our female pastors up at the front of the church. There to pray with people. So I went up to talk with her. I saw her and started crying. She held me as I cried and asked what was going on. So good to talk with her and have her pray over me. She said to me the anxiety is just little things. They may seem like big things but they are just little. As soon as anxiety hits she said say the name of Jesus. Then I also got to pray for her which was so good. We both I think encouraged each other I know she encouraged me. She told me how thankful she was that I was at church. She encouraged me to go home. Which I did but didn't think I could do. Was still stressed when I got home. Snapped at my son. Which was not my plan. So off to my room with me. Had tea and a snack and off to la la land. Sunday I had a relaxing morning. I finished a gift I was making for a friend. Then in the afternoon hubby and I ran some errands. While out running errands I felt a bit anxious. How was everything going to get done? Hubby was out to long. So I bought myself a magazine. Got home with my magazine and went to my room and closed the door. Hubby and teens were in charge of the meal. Not me. But as I was in my room I heard bickering from my 15 year old son. So I put ear buds in and turned up the music. Read my magazine. While looking through my magazine I saw a photo of a table and chairs in a garden and I thought peaceful.
Then when I was done reading the magazine I heard in my head you should write a poem about anxiety. I'm like what? OK I said.
So I started with a list of words about anxiety. This is what I wrote.
- Sucks
- Overwhelms
- Debilitates
- Draws me closer to God
- Scared me
- Does not have victory over me
- Is temporary
- Is not God's plan for me
- Can not control me unless I let it
- My anxiety is small in the grand scheme of things
- I am not alone God's with me and many also go through this
- Everyday is a new day to be victory free
- God's got this
- God fills me with peace
- I sit in a garden at a table drinking tea. Peace floods me.
Then I started to write this poem. I felt the words just came to me and I wrote them out as they flooded my mind.
Anxiety overwhelms me,
draws me into a dark place,
and I am scared.
I call on the name of Jesus.
Fill me with your peace and presence.
God then takes my hand,
and leads me into a beautiful garden.
Where we sit at a table and have tea.
We chat for hours enjoying one anothers company.
The Lord tells me how much He loves me.
How precious I am to Him.
That I am a joy and a delight.
He knows these anxious times are hard,
but loves how they draw us closer together
and that is a beautiful thing.
Beauty comes from the ashes.
You are one of those beautiful things.
Wow blew me away. So moved by this experience. So guests have arrived time to honor our mother/mother in law/grandma. Had a nice time but as the evening went on anxiety tried to rear it ugly little head. So I am sitting on the couch at this point by my daughter. I feel the anxiety come on so I start to whisper Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Then I whisper the scripture the armor of God. My daughter says mom are you whispering? I said what? Whispering? Yes were you whispering? I ignore her and conversation moves on. Then my daughter starts humming. I say are you humming? Everyone laughs. I do need to sit her down and explain what I was doing and why. My teens know I sometimes struggle with anxiety. But they don't know fully to what extent and when always it attacks.
So new day and I am reading Titus 1 for a bible study I am in. Looking for something that jumps out at me. What stands out of the text for me is "chosen of God" like in a field of wild flowers He chose me!
On Facebook there is a group on their called Healing Rosie. Great support group. I ask the question I'm in perimenopause and with that have started to get anxiety. I don't want to go get pharmaceutical drugs. But I feel I need something. These hormones out of wack are driving me nuts. I started taking a herbal menopause pill but it does not really help with the anxiety. Went to health food store here in Canada. Was recommended a product. Don't know if this product can be purchased outside of Canada. Let me know if you have used it our what you would recommend. The pills I saw were by Natural Factors which I have learned is a Canadian brand. Called Serenity Formula. You take them at the first sign of an attack. I will list off what other women recommended to me. Maybe this list will be helpful to someone out. there. See my General Practitioner said I can't help you till your on the other side of menopause. If you want to try alternative therapies by all means go ahead. I just can't recommend any as I don't know about them. So what does a women end up doing doctoring herself with the help and knowledge of others. This is another reason we need a village around us.
1. Ashwaganada, Tulsi/Holy basil
rhodiola work for stress. Used a lot in ayuredic medicine.
2.Trudy Scott book on anxiety. Her book is about the foods you eat and how they effect you and what to avoid.
2. Christine Northrup
3. Rescue Remedy
4. 15 minutes of meditation.
5. Relora. Many recommended this one.
6. Dr. Amy Yasko's protocol
7. Good book Dirty Genes by Dr. Ben Lynch. In the book he tells you what supplements you are lacking based on your symptoms.
8. Bio identical progesterone, GABA, Trytophan, and CBD.
Now not all of these things could be found in Canada. You also need to discern for yourself what direction you want to go. But if your experiencing any negative symptoms during the month. Then most likely your hormones are out of wack and your body is lacking something. You need to figure out what that is.
A friend borrowed me a book. Called Period Repair Manual. In it the doctor says that we should not be experiencing any negative symptoms during our periods. Surprised me. I have not started reading it yet. As many books and great advise have come my way. But I plan to. Here is what it looks like. Maybe a beneficial read to you?
Another book I picked up. After our house fire we had to get out of the house quickly. You don't think to grab everything. You don't also realize how bad it is till your out and can reflect. I was reading a devotional book every morning . But now had none and wanted one to read. So I spotted this one. The title drew me to it. It has been a beneficial read to me.
So through this whole journey I had someone I know who is a counselor offer me two free counseling sessions. She felt lead by God to offer them to me. What a blessing that has been. I have continued going. Sometimes we need added help. So this week when I was there we talked through a very difficult bout of anxiety I had that day. I don't get anxiety everyday. Thank God for that. I get breaks from it. Then this Wednesday it hit hard. I got up with a plan for that morning. Going to go to Costco and get stuff to make for supper. Then later in the afternoon I had counseling. I start my day by hearing in my head periods coming. Then the word at some point migraine comes into my head. I go to have a nice relaxing bath. It was far from relaxing. I put on some music by Steve Bell. Amazing christian singer who I enjoy. I was trying to relax when the anxious thoughts flood me. Wave after wave after wave. They are incessant. So much so I get out of the bath and sit on a chair in my room and cry. I cry and cry. Feel so debilitated. I have called on the name of Jesus many times, I have claimed the armor of God scripture over me. I have entered the white room I don't know how many times. Too many to count. Kicking thoughts that are not absolute truth out. I don't know what to do any more. I ask a friend if we can talk. She is busy and does not get back to me for awhile. Is not free. Somebody please help me. What am I to do? I have tried all the tools in my tool belt. A song comes on and I let it wash over me. I put it on repeat. Washes over me again and again. You can listen to it here. Psalm 70:1 The lyrics are simple, "Come to my help oh God Lord hurry to my rescue." I slowly calm down. A friend messages me yes I am free for lunch today. I am so happy. I need to get out of here. So I go and get ready and leave.
25 minute walk to bus stop. Be good for me. I talk with Ben on his lunch break. Tell him what is going on and ask what do I do? I have to do something. He says buy that pill we saw at the health food store. That is the very place I am meeting my friend for lunch. Got close to where me and my friend were meeting for lunch early so I stopped in the christian bookstore to buy her a birthday card. I also saw a beautiful box of thinking of and praying for you cards. I bought both. The bookstore had chairs to sit on. So I did and wrote notes in two cards. When I was done this picture book caught my eye.
I pick it up knowing it will be a short book and read it. In the story Zion the lion who lives in the jungle heard crying. See there had been a big storm in the jungle. So Zion goes over to the crying to see his bird friend standing on a broken tree crying. Saying my house is broken in half oh what am I going to do? As Zion is about to encourage his friend he hears more crying. Then goes over to another friend in the jungle who is crying this friend says look at what the storm did to my blanket. It's all filled with holes, now how am I going to stay warm? Just when Zion is going to encourage again he hears more crying. Goes over to another friend in the jungle who is crying. This friend said look at my umbrella it's all busted up. Oh how am I going to stay dry? Zion says come with me. Look you can find shelter from the rain under this broken tree. Then to the friend with no home he finds them another tree with a nest in it. He says you can take this broken blanket to make your nest nice and soft. Then to the one with no blanket he takes the umbrella apart and gives him the fabric that was not damaged and said see now you have a nice warm blanket. Then there was this page in the book.
Now I start crying.
Then this scripture at the end. So moved by this book. God sure does love me. But here I sit in this bookstore crying. OK time to meet my friend but how to pull it together? I do and I head on my merry way.
I meet my friend at the health food store and I share with my friend what has been going on. I share with her about my mothers day, the poem and everything. I say that I need to go and buy a pill here for anxiety. She said let me show you the one you should buy. I was here last night and a lady from this company was here talking about this pill. I thought of you and thought you need to be here to talk with her. But I didn't call you. So because she felt so strongly lead I thought that maybe this pill instead of the other is the one I should try. I am talking EMP by True Hope. Essential Mineral Power. An ideal balance of vitamins and minerals to promote mental well-being. This friend is the one who encouraged me to share this post with you.
Then after a lovely visit with this friend I go off to see the counselor. So this day I talk about my major anxiety attack I had that morning and all the tricks I tried to relieve it. Shared with her about going to the bookstore and the story book I found and read. How it moved me. Then she said we need to create a happy place. It's creating a fictional image in your mind using all your senses. A place when you feel anxious you can go to and it is suppose to fill you with peace. So when an anxiety attack comes on you have an image you can right ways jump into. So my image as you know already is a table in a garden where God and I go to have tea. So we start discussing what would be in my image.I write them out.
-Garden
-Table and chairs
- Tea cup and saucer
- Tea pot
- Baked goodies snickerdoodles
- Lots of flowers of all kinds. Sunflowers for sure
- Grass I'll be bare feet.
- Sunny out
- Summer
- Birds chirping
- Butterflies
- Light breeze
- Frogs
- Brook over rocks flowing into a pond
- Laughter abounds
- Jesus
She recommends practicing going to your happy place. Say if you can't sleep at night then that would be a good time to practice going their. It can help people fall asleep. I say I sleep fine. For me no sleep issues. So thankful for that. I get relief when I sleep. For me this image is my happy place. What is yours? What images would speak to you? I need to figure out how to practice going here. Also how to utilize it. I wonder would it work? This picturing Jesus and I at a table in a garden drinking, chatting, laughing, hearing the sounds, eating cookies, and just enjoying one anothers company. Will see. Will test this out next time an anxiety attack happens. But helpful to have someone walk me through the steps of how to do this.
Who knew all I would be going through in this season of life. All of these bodily changes, small house fire, just everything. It feels some days that the pot of turmoil just gets restirred and more things come up. Oi Vey. When will this season end? How do I travel through it not too scathed? How do I journey well through this season and what ever it brings? Pray that through this all I am an encouragement and a blessing to others. That as I shared earlier in the sharing of my story may it bless someone. Encourage you to know you are not alone. The Lord above loves you so very much. He has great things in store for you. You may not know what they are or see them. But He is doing a work in you. Make sure you find a way to share your story. It is important that we gleam from one another. We need each other. We can't do this life alone. Were never meant to.
So as I have shared I am hormonal, perimenopausal, and one of my symptoms I experience from time to time because of these things is anxiety. See I want to be careful here and encourage you to be careful as well. I don't want to label myself and claim sickness over myself. For years I would say I am a migraine suffer. Why did I do that? I am someone who on occasion would get a migraine but that does not make me a migraine sufferer. I am also many many things. But for this post this is what I am focusing on. Like I said in posting about this I hope to help others.
So this past Sunday in Canada we celebrated mothers day. A day where we honor our mothers. Usually with gifts of some sort and around a shared meal. We decided that the shared meal would be at our house. We would invite my husbands mom, dad and sister over. I was not sure this was going to work. See we were out of the house most of the week at a hotel. Due to our small house fire and them redoing our floors. We got back into the house on Saturday. Had errands to run in the afternoon. I was feeling a bit stressed. Asked our kids if they would move back all the furniture in the two rooms we had to move it out of. They said yes. I was concerned how that would all go. Knew being at home would stress me out. So I said after lunch I would ditch the family and go out shopping or some such thing. Teens could move all the stuff back and I would not see it. As I was out and about anxiety hit hard. I didn't even know if I would make it to church that evening. We have a Saturday night service that starts at 6pm. I love going to that service. But I also felt I could not go home. I have scent issues. What if my new floors give off a smell? Can I even be in my house? Maybe I need to go back to the hotel. Oh guys I loved it there. I had no stress. Hot tubbed twice a day. Used the pool twice a day. Never had to clean. It was lovely. House got done. For the most part. We had some stuff to finish up on Sunday and by we I mean hubby and kids. I don't work on mothers day. Yes I did go to church. But it was so hard to be there. Anxiety is hard to deal with. After church I saw one of our female pastors up at the front of the church. There to pray with people. So I went up to talk with her. I saw her and started crying. She held me as I cried and asked what was going on. So good to talk with her and have her pray over me. She said to me the anxiety is just little things. They may seem like big things but they are just little. As soon as anxiety hits she said say the name of Jesus. Then I also got to pray for her which was so good. We both I think encouraged each other I know she encouraged me. She told me how thankful she was that I was at church. She encouraged me to go home. Which I did but didn't think I could do. Was still stressed when I got home. Snapped at my son. Which was not my plan. So off to my room with me. Had tea and a snack and off to la la land. Sunday I had a relaxing morning. I finished a gift I was making for a friend. Then in the afternoon hubby and I ran some errands. While out running errands I felt a bit anxious. How was everything going to get done? Hubby was out to long. So I bought myself a magazine. Got home with my magazine and went to my room and closed the door. Hubby and teens were in charge of the meal. Not me. But as I was in my room I heard bickering from my 15 year old son. So I put ear buds in and turned up the music. Read my magazine. While looking through my magazine I saw a photo of a table and chairs in a garden and I thought peaceful.
So I started with a list of words about anxiety. This is what I wrote.
- Sucks
- Overwhelms
- Debilitates
- Draws me closer to God
- Scared me
- Does not have victory over me
- Is temporary
- Is not God's plan for me
- Can not control me unless I let it
- My anxiety is small in the grand scheme of things
- I am not alone God's with me and many also go through this
- Everyday is a new day to be victory free
- God's got this
- God fills me with peace
- I sit in a garden at a table drinking tea. Peace floods me.
Then I started to write this poem. I felt the words just came to me and I wrote them out as they flooded my mind.
Anxiety overwhelms me,
draws me into a dark place,
and I am scared.
I call on the name of Jesus.
Fill me with your peace and presence.
God then takes my hand,
and leads me into a beautiful garden.
Where we sit at a table and have tea.
We chat for hours enjoying one anothers company.
The Lord tells me how much He loves me.
How precious I am to Him.
That I am a joy and a delight.
He knows these anxious times are hard,
but loves how they draw us closer together
and that is a beautiful thing.
Beauty comes from the ashes.
You are one of those beautiful things.
Wow blew me away. So moved by this experience. So guests have arrived time to honor our mother/mother in law/grandma. Had a nice time but as the evening went on anxiety tried to rear it ugly little head. So I am sitting on the couch at this point by my daughter. I feel the anxiety come on so I start to whisper Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Then I whisper the scripture the armor of God. My daughter says mom are you whispering? I said what? Whispering? Yes were you whispering? I ignore her and conversation moves on. Then my daughter starts humming. I say are you humming? Everyone laughs. I do need to sit her down and explain what I was doing and why. My teens know I sometimes struggle with anxiety. But they don't know fully to what extent and when always it attacks.
So new day and I am reading Titus 1 for a bible study I am in. Looking for something that jumps out at me. What stands out of the text for me is "chosen of God" like in a field of wild flowers He chose me!
On Facebook there is a group on their called Healing Rosie. Great support group. I ask the question I'm in perimenopause and with that have started to get anxiety. I don't want to go get pharmaceutical drugs. But I feel I need something. These hormones out of wack are driving me nuts. I started taking a herbal menopause pill but it does not really help with the anxiety. Went to health food store here in Canada. Was recommended a product. Don't know if this product can be purchased outside of Canada. Let me know if you have used it our what you would recommend. The pills I saw were by Natural Factors which I have learned is a Canadian brand. Called Serenity Formula. You take them at the first sign of an attack. I will list off what other women recommended to me. Maybe this list will be helpful to someone out. there. See my General Practitioner said I can't help you till your on the other side of menopause. If you want to try alternative therapies by all means go ahead. I just can't recommend any as I don't know about them. So what does a women end up doing doctoring herself with the help and knowledge of others. This is another reason we need a village around us.
1. Ashwaganada, Tulsi/Holy basil
rhodiola work for stress. Used a lot in ayuredic medicine.
2.Trudy Scott book on anxiety. Her book is about the foods you eat and how they effect you and what to avoid.
2. Christine Northrup
3. Rescue Remedy
4. 15 minutes of meditation.
5. Relora. Many recommended this one.
6. Dr. Amy Yasko's protocol
7. Good book Dirty Genes by Dr. Ben Lynch. In the book he tells you what supplements you are lacking based on your symptoms.
8. Bio identical progesterone, GABA, Trytophan, and CBD.
Now not all of these things could be found in Canada. You also need to discern for yourself what direction you want to go. But if your experiencing any negative symptoms during the month. Then most likely your hormones are out of wack and your body is lacking something. You need to figure out what that is.
A friend borrowed me a book. Called Period Repair Manual. In it the doctor says that we should not be experiencing any negative symptoms during our periods. Surprised me. I have not started reading it yet. As many books and great advise have come my way. But I plan to. Here is what it looks like. Maybe a beneficial read to you?
25 minute walk to bus stop. Be good for me. I talk with Ben on his lunch break. Tell him what is going on and ask what do I do? I have to do something. He says buy that pill we saw at the health food store. That is the very place I am meeting my friend for lunch. Got close to where me and my friend were meeting for lunch early so I stopped in the christian bookstore to buy her a birthday card. I also saw a beautiful box of thinking of and praying for you cards. I bought both. The bookstore had chairs to sit on. So I did and wrote notes in two cards. When I was done this picture book caught my eye.
I pick it up knowing it will be a short book and read it. In the story Zion the lion who lives in the jungle heard crying. See there had been a big storm in the jungle. So Zion goes over to the crying to see his bird friend standing on a broken tree crying. Saying my house is broken in half oh what am I going to do? As Zion is about to encourage his friend he hears more crying. Then goes over to another friend in the jungle who is crying this friend says look at what the storm did to my blanket. It's all filled with holes, now how am I going to stay warm? Just when Zion is going to encourage again he hears more crying. Goes over to another friend in the jungle who is crying. This friend said look at my umbrella it's all busted up. Oh how am I going to stay dry? Zion says come with me. Look you can find shelter from the rain under this broken tree. Then to the friend with no home he finds them another tree with a nest in it. He says you can take this broken blanket to make your nest nice and soft. Then to the one with no blanket he takes the umbrella apart and gives him the fabric that was not damaged and said see now you have a nice warm blanket. Then there was this page in the book.
I meet my friend at the health food store and I share with my friend what has been going on. I share with her about my mothers day, the poem and everything. I say that I need to go and buy a pill here for anxiety. She said let me show you the one you should buy. I was here last night and a lady from this company was here talking about this pill. I thought of you and thought you need to be here to talk with her. But I didn't call you. So because she felt so strongly lead I thought that maybe this pill instead of the other is the one I should try. I am talking EMP by True Hope. Essential Mineral Power. An ideal balance of vitamins and minerals to promote mental well-being. This friend is the one who encouraged me to share this post with you.
Then after a lovely visit with this friend I go off to see the counselor. So this day I talk about my major anxiety attack I had that morning and all the tricks I tried to relieve it. Shared with her about going to the bookstore and the story book I found and read. How it moved me. Then she said we need to create a happy place. It's creating a fictional image in your mind using all your senses. A place when you feel anxious you can go to and it is suppose to fill you with peace. So when an anxiety attack comes on you have an image you can right ways jump into. So my image as you know already is a table in a garden where God and I go to have tea. So we start discussing what would be in my image.I write them out.
-Garden
-Table and chairs
- Tea cup and saucer
- Tea pot
- Baked goodies snickerdoodles
- Lots of flowers of all kinds. Sunflowers for sure
- Grass I'll be bare feet.
- Sunny out
- Summer
- Birds chirping
- Butterflies
- Light breeze
- Frogs
- Brook over rocks flowing into a pond
- Laughter abounds
- Jesus
She recommends practicing going to your happy place. Say if you can't sleep at night then that would be a good time to practice going their. It can help people fall asleep. I say I sleep fine. For me no sleep issues. So thankful for that. I get relief when I sleep. For me this image is my happy place. What is yours? What images would speak to you? I need to figure out how to practice going here. Also how to utilize it. I wonder would it work? This picturing Jesus and I at a table in a garden drinking, chatting, laughing, hearing the sounds, eating cookies, and just enjoying one anothers company. Will see. Will test this out next time an anxiety attack happens. But helpful to have someone walk me through the steps of how to do this.
Who knew all I would be going through in this season of life. All of these bodily changes, small house fire, just everything. It feels some days that the pot of turmoil just gets restirred and more things come up. Oi Vey. When will this season end? How do I travel through it not too scathed? How do I journey well through this season and what ever it brings? Pray that through this all I am an encouragement and a blessing to others. That as I shared earlier in the sharing of my story may it bless someone. Encourage you to know you are not alone. The Lord above loves you so very much. He has great things in store for you. You may not know what they are or see them. But He is doing a work in you. Make sure you find a way to share your story. It is important that we gleam from one another. We need each other. We can't do this life alone. Were never meant to.
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