So I felt lead by a few people to blog today. One being God. Tapping me on my shoulder so to speak and encouraging me to write about how I feel. Seriously I think. I angry at you very angry. I have strong feels towards God right now. See I had been pain free through the whole mini house fire. Yeah I thought my menopausal pills are working! Then few days after getting back into our house the chronic pain came back. Back big time. Ugh! So frustrating. So the menopausal pills are they working or not? Why was the pain taken away only to be allowed to return. Seriously God?! Why? Why me? Why now? We have so much going on in our lives right now. I don't have the time for this.
We are getting new flooring this week. Thanks to the fire landing on our carpet and the smoke damage. Such a blessing. But we have to move all the furniture out of the two main rooms they are doing. Get ready to go to a hotel for 4 days. So lots to do to prep for this. Today hubby gets home from work and quickly gets ready grabs a snack and we got to get all our pets and our hotel stuff and go. First drop our dog off at the kennel. Then check into the hotel and drop our cats off in the room. Then I am meeting with a mentor friend I see once a month. Then hubby rushes home to move all the furniture and stuff around. Then they rush off to the movies. I am in so much pain I could barely get dinner made and in the crock pot. So really unless I want to ruin myself I can't help. That makes me so sad, so angry, so frustrated. I want to be a blessing to my family. All I feel like is a curse. I wonder what my kids think of me? They are 14 and 15. See look at me here.
I look healthy and like there is nothing wrong with me. But I am in a lot of pain. But you can't tell that from this photo. I know they get frustrated when they get put to work and dad is working to and I am not. Such a frustrating time in life.
Today I thought I will have a nice hot shower and do my neck stretches. Then thought maybe I could try this rub on asprin. Maybe that will help me. But making chili and chopping up stuff to put inside made the pain come back. I was in so much pain yesterday. Then thankfully slept just fine. But pain is back today. Why Lord why? Why me?
I went to a counselor the other day. I mentioned my struggle with anxiety. How someone recommended cognitive behavioral therapy to me. As a way to get through an anxiety attack. I shared how they said when the anxiety comes sit in it for 5 minutes. Then tell the anxiety thank you for coming and alerting me to this but I'm going to be fine and you can go now. I had been trying that. Except sitting in the anxiety for 5 minutes. As I feel it will bring the anxiety on more. Make it actually come to life. Counselor asked if that technique was working for me? Yes it was. She said that it doesn't work for everybody. I have another way you can try if you don't mind? Sure I said. Thinking I need all the help I can get. She asked me to close my eyes and picture I am in a white room. There are two doors. One at the front and one at the back. Now have you had anxiety in the last 24 hours? Yes I said. OK what was it? Bring it into the room with you. OK I was having back, neck and head pain. Was worried they might get worse. So she said is it truth. Yes I said it is truth it could get worse. But she said is it absolute truth. Could it for sure get worse. Well no. So then in that case we can open up the door and let it out. I opened that door and pictured myself giving the anxiety a big swift kick! She said OK now open the door and release it. I have already kicked it out I thought. Then the idea came to me. Jesus is in the room with me isn't he? Yes she said He is. She said to me do you trust Him? Do I trust him I thought? I felt at the time if He loved me then he would take away my pain yet He chooses not to. So do I trust Him. Well my answer should be yes of course I trust him. So I say yes. She says you hesitated. Why is that? I share what I was thinking. We talk about that a bit and some other things. Then I go to my next thing in the day.
The next day I am doing a prayer of examen. For those that don't know a simple way of describing it is asking yourself two questions.
1. What am I most grateful for today?
2. What am I least grateful for today?
I am writing these out when I hear in my head "we should talk about this trust issue that came up yesterday." I was like blown away. Um not really what I want to do but OK.So I have this dialog that goes on in my head. This is what it was. God I do love you. I know you love me. But when you allow this pain to be here I don't feel loved by you. "What about your husband? If your in pain does he still love you?" Yes of course. "So why is it any different with me?" Because you have the power to take pain away and my husband doesn't. "So because I don't take your pain away I don't love you?" That's right "When your kids don't get what they want do you love them any less?" No of course not. "Then why would I love you any less?" Oh Lord! You frustrate me. LOL OK fine so you don't love me any less but why not take away the pain? "To teach you something?" What? Utter reliance on God. You need me in all circumstances and at all times." Pretty powerful stuff right there.
New day new pain. Or not new pain but the pain is worse. I ask why God why? Could there not be another way to have utter reliance on you? Does it have to be through pain? How do I deal with all the pain? A lady I follow on Facebook posted this yesterday. "But every time I prayed about The Presence Project and this work of shaking free of anxiety through practicing the Presence of God, I see the seeds of the dandelion. A sending out. Seeds on the wind." Then this is what I responded with. "So wondering what exactly do you mean by practicing the presence of God relieves anxiety? How does one go about that?" Her response " that’s the journey I’ll be sharing on the podcast, one practice at a time." Then I responded "thanks but I'm struggling now. 😂 You mean I have to wait for answers? But I want relief now. Answers now. 😂 Asked a friend to pray for me today. Have a headache, neck and back pain. Anxiety wants me to think what if it get's worse? Friend message me "Remember give surrender fear and pain to God. Thats His to handle. Fight back in Thanksgiving and Praise. Submit your thoughts about it. Letting go." Thanksgiving and praise? How am I to worship through the pain. Does worship relieve the pain? Maybe just take my mind off of the pain? What comes to mind is the doxology. In that song it does not say based on your circumstances praise God. No we are just to praise Him. Even in the midst of sadness and pain." So how does one go about praising in and through the pain? I tend to get distracted by my pain and get fixated on it. But how do I ignore it? To put it at the back of my mind? How indeed!
As you can see as I copy and pasted from Facebook into here it changed the font. Would not let me change the font. I don't have the ability to retype this all out. So my blog looks funky today. Oh well.
We are getting new flooring this week. Thanks to the fire landing on our carpet and the smoke damage. Such a blessing. But we have to move all the furniture out of the two main rooms they are doing. Get ready to go to a hotel for 4 days. So lots to do to prep for this. Today hubby gets home from work and quickly gets ready grabs a snack and we got to get all our pets and our hotel stuff and go. First drop our dog off at the kennel. Then check into the hotel and drop our cats off in the room. Then I am meeting with a mentor friend I see once a month. Then hubby rushes home to move all the furniture and stuff around. Then they rush off to the movies. I am in so much pain I could barely get dinner made and in the crock pot. So really unless I want to ruin myself I can't help. That makes me so sad, so angry, so frustrated. I want to be a blessing to my family. All I feel like is a curse. I wonder what my kids think of me? They are 14 and 15. See look at me here.
Today I thought I will have a nice hot shower and do my neck stretches. Then thought maybe I could try this rub on asprin. Maybe that will help me. But making chili and chopping up stuff to put inside made the pain come back. I was in so much pain yesterday. Then thankfully slept just fine. But pain is back today. Why Lord why? Why me?
I went to a counselor the other day. I mentioned my struggle with anxiety. How someone recommended cognitive behavioral therapy to me. As a way to get through an anxiety attack. I shared how they said when the anxiety comes sit in it for 5 minutes. Then tell the anxiety thank you for coming and alerting me to this but I'm going to be fine and you can go now. I had been trying that. Except sitting in the anxiety for 5 minutes. As I feel it will bring the anxiety on more. Make it actually come to life. Counselor asked if that technique was working for me? Yes it was. She said that it doesn't work for everybody. I have another way you can try if you don't mind? Sure I said. Thinking I need all the help I can get. She asked me to close my eyes and picture I am in a white room. There are two doors. One at the front and one at the back. Now have you had anxiety in the last 24 hours? Yes I said. OK what was it? Bring it into the room with you. OK I was having back, neck and head pain. Was worried they might get worse. So she said is it truth. Yes I said it is truth it could get worse. But she said is it absolute truth. Could it for sure get worse. Well no. So then in that case we can open up the door and let it out. I opened that door and pictured myself giving the anxiety a big swift kick! She said OK now open the door and release it. I have already kicked it out I thought. Then the idea came to me. Jesus is in the room with me isn't he? Yes she said He is. She said to me do you trust Him? Do I trust him I thought? I felt at the time if He loved me then he would take away my pain yet He chooses not to. So do I trust Him. Well my answer should be yes of course I trust him. So I say yes. She says you hesitated. Why is that? I share what I was thinking. We talk about that a bit and some other things. Then I go to my next thing in the day.
The next day I am doing a prayer of examen. For those that don't know a simple way of describing it is asking yourself two questions.
1. What am I most grateful for today?
2. What am I least grateful for today?
I am writing these out when I hear in my head "we should talk about this trust issue that came up yesterday." I was like blown away. Um not really what I want to do but OK.So I have this dialog that goes on in my head. This is what it was. God I do love you. I know you love me. But when you allow this pain to be here I don't feel loved by you. "What about your husband? If your in pain does he still love you?" Yes of course. "So why is it any different with me?" Because you have the power to take pain away and my husband doesn't. "So because I don't take your pain away I don't love you?" That's right "When your kids don't get what they want do you love them any less?" No of course not. "Then why would I love you any less?" Oh Lord! You frustrate me. LOL OK fine so you don't love me any less but why not take away the pain? "To teach you something?" What? Utter reliance on God. You need me in all circumstances and at all times." Pretty powerful stuff right there.
New day new pain. Or not new pain but the pain is worse. I ask why God why? Could there not be another way to have utter reliance on you? Does it have to be through pain? How do I deal with all the pain? A lady I follow on Facebook posted this yesterday. "But every time I prayed about The Presence Project and this work of shaking free of anxiety through practicing the Presence of God, I see the seeds of the dandelion. A sending out. Seeds on the wind." Then this is what I responded with. "So wondering what exactly do you mean by practicing the presence of God relieves anxiety? How does one go about that?" Her response " that’s the journey I’ll be sharing on the podcast, one practice at a time." Then I responded "thanks but I'm struggling now. 😂 You mean I have to wait for answers? But I want relief now. Answers now. 😂 Asked a friend to pray for me today. Have a headache, neck and back pain. Anxiety wants me to think what if it get's worse? Friend message me "Remember give surrender fear and pain to God. Thats His to handle. Fight back in Thanksgiving and Praise. Submit your thoughts about it. Letting go." Thanksgiving and praise? How am I to worship through the pain. Does worship relieve the pain? Maybe just take my mind off of the pain? What comes to mind is the doxology. In that song it does not say based on your circumstances praise God. No we are just to praise Him. Even in the midst of sadness and pain." So how does one go about praising in and through the pain? I tend to get distracted by my pain and get fixated on it. But how do I ignore it? To put it at the back of my mind? How indeed!
As you can see as I copy and pasted from Facebook into here it changed the font. Would not let me change the font. I don't have the ability to retype this all out. So my blog looks funky today. Oh well.
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