It has been a long time since I have written anything. But I have felt a stirring to write again. For those of you wondering daughter is doing fine and cancer free. Praise the Lord for that.
Today I am writing about my personal journey. The season I find myself in at present. It started back in the fall of 2018. In the fall I started to pursue becoming a travel agent. A dream I have had for 25 years. Really feel the Lord leading me in this direction. Also in the fall my husband and I took on leadership of our churches brand new coffee shop where we serve specialty drinks. I did a lot of work to get that up and off the ground. My kids entered new grades 9 and 10. My 14 year old daughter got her first job. So I had lots going on.
To start the coffee shop I put my travel agent job on hold so I could fully focus on the coffee shop. I'm wondering if all of these things had a hand in what started to go on for me. See I have on occasion gotten a migraine. If you have ever had one of those you know how debilitating they can be. One day I walked into my bathroom and heard in my head "you're going to get a migraine and it's not going to be good." Then this horrible feeling feel on me. I had never had this happen to me before. Wondered what was going on? Still wonder that. No migraine came. Then a couple or a few weeks later same thing happened again. Scared me. Told my husband about it. He said fear is not of God. Ok let it go and move on. Again no migraine came. These thoughts and horrid feels would come very infrequently. But sometime late in the fall or December even I started to get back and neck pain. Now I have osteoarthritis in my middle to upper back. But most of the time it does not bother me. But this pain would come day after day. Be debilitating. It would last a week or more then I would get some relief. Then the cycle would start all over again. I had no idea what was going on. Was it the osteoarthritis and had it spread? Or was something else causing it? I tried all kinds of medicines. But nothing seemed to work. One would work one time but not the next. it was very frustrating. In the fall I was praying about becoming a travel agent. I asked the Lord how can I do this job I have so many physical ailments? I felt the Lord tell me that once I got a job as a travel agent I would be healed. But right now the job hunt has been put on hold running the coffee shop. So is healing put on hold then too?
It's now January a new year. Oh the back pain is so bad. What do I do? Well one Saturday I am at church. We offer prayer ministry during the end worship time. I go up for prayer. One of our associate pastors prays for me. After the prayer I stand there basking in the Lords presence. It's a beautiful few moments. What comes into my head is "you are healed". I think to myself but I still feel pain. Then I go up and grab communion. I sit down and bow my head. I thank the Lord for the wine and bread. When in my head I hear " this is my body broken for you, this my blood shed for you, eat, drink and be healed." So I do and think I still feel pain. So am I healed or not? Now healing can come in all different forms. I am praying and hoping for physical healing. I do not feel that. So do I walk out that I am healed even though I don't feel healed? So confused. God does not always make sense. Pain continues never ends. Only goes away when I sleep. Few weeks go by maybe more. I am at church again. I go up for prayer for healing again. Different associate pastor. Again still pain. So now what? Every night before bed my husband and I pray for each other. Every night it seems like he prays for healing and every morning the pain is back.
Now those other thoughts I talked about at the beginning that flood my mind and bring horrid feels are coming all the time. Don't eat that it could cause a migraine. Oh they have perfume on that could bring on a migraine. What the heck is wrong with me I think? Where are these thoughts coming from? Me? Satan? Where? So I feel like maybe I am in a season of lament. But also at the same time feel like I am not as well. If you would ask me are you happy? No no I am not. Pain all the time and these strange thoughts and feelings that won't leave me alone. When will this vicious cycle ever end? I live for 10 pm when I can go to bed and have this day end. Then at least I can have relief. I wake up hopeful. Do 20 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes devotions and time with God, and 20 minutes of learning something new. Then get ready for the day. By then the back pain is getting worse. I think what am I able to do today? Not much as most things cause my pain to get worse. So I will try and survive the day. Oh but days I have stuff to do to take my mind of of me and this pain. Those are very helpful to me. I need to get out of my head.
One day it's a Saturday and I am having quite time with God in the morning. I am given this scripture. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Oh thank you God. These words are what I need. I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon by Jesus and nothing can penetrate it. Not Satan, not my own thoughts nothing. I am protected by Jesus. Cool. That evening my pastor is preaching on fear. I need that message. So there were a few things my pastor said that spoke to me. They are
-When I am a worshiper I'm not a worrier.
- Keep your eyes on the things above.
- Worship breaks fear.
I am feeling so good. God is speaking to me. We enter a time of worship after the sermon. We sing this song. No Longer Slaves. One of the lines in the song is "I'm no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God." I sung this song with gusto! Felt that fear was broken in me that day. Woo Hoo! But life goes on and those thoughts keep coming. I felt like nothing can penetrate me I'm wrapped in a Jesus cocoon. But over time when the thoughts and horrid feelings never stop and the pain never ends I don't believe I have a cocoon wrapping me and protecting me. I'm angry at God. I swear at him in my head. Then right away's feel bad and apologize. God when will the pain ever end? What is going on?
One Saturday night at church the preacher is sharing on Jesus and how on His time on earth people looked to Him for what He could do for them and not for relationship with Him. They wanted his healing not the healer. We can be like that. We can look to God for His ability to heal and not relationship. Or we come to worship hoping for that really great feeling we had that one time. Rather then relationship with Jesus. Not that these things are bad the healing or the feelings. Yes we can want those things even look for and ask for them. But really what we should want and look for is relationship with Jesus. So I'm hearing this. Yes I want Jesus. I want relationship. So worship and communion starts. I ask myself a question I often ask before taking communion how should I come? A lot of times something comes to mind. Today nothing. Ok that is fine. Then in my head comes just worship me. Ok I can do that. I start to sing but the pain is bad so I can't. I cry instead. How can I sing Lord? I want to but I can't. So I cry. I cry through most of worship. Then we sing a new song. Ain't No Grave Oh and it's amazing! Take a listen to it. One of the lines is "Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down." Another "Oh fear is a liar with a smooth and velvet tongue, fear is a tyrant he's always telling me to run. Oh love is a resurrection and love is a trumpet sound love is my weapon, I'm gonna take my giants down." So powerful. Loved it so much. I have moments of hope and joy amidst all the pain.
So life goes on and how does one do life with chronic pain? I have tried prayer, pain meds, chiropractic, Osteopathy, and will be going to the doctor again. Heard these words yesterday "show me what your up to today God and how do I partner with you in that?" I want to still do God's will and see Him in my daily life. So somehow I press on. Then I get a day like today. This morning was odd indeed. I woke up with a smile on my face and praying that I would be filled with hope and joy. Then the lyrics to a song came to mind. "In the trial and the trouble my soul rejoice." The song is called Life is Beautiful. I went for an hour walk this morning. So good. It was such a rich time. See I listened to a couple of albums by Rend Collective. A few of their songs spoke to me. Maybe they will speak to you as well.
Count Every Blessing
"You were there the valley of shadows
You were there in the depth of my sorrows
You're my strength, my hope for tomorrow
I've been blessed beyond all measure
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I can not see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me."
True North
"I will not let the darkness steal the joy within my soul
I will not let the circumstances become my compass no
I will not let the fears of life and sorrows of this world
Dictate to me how I should feel for you are my true north."
Weep With Me (reprise)
"Blessed are those who morn
For you will be comforted
Blessed are you when your heartbroken
As He's the binder of your wounds
He's gonna set you on your feet again
He's gonna give you hope to breath again
Even in the darkness He's beautiful
Even in the shadows He loves you still
What's true in the light
Is still true in the dark."
I don't know what God has in store for me next. But I keep seeking His face and holding His hand. Yes emotionally today is a better day. My spirits are up. But pain oh the pain the never ending pain is still here. But God's got me. He has got you to. No matter what you are going through hold onto hope. Hold onto Jesus. He loves you and is with you. Even in the dark.
Today I am writing about my personal journey. The season I find myself in at present. It started back in the fall of 2018. In the fall I started to pursue becoming a travel agent. A dream I have had for 25 years. Really feel the Lord leading me in this direction. Also in the fall my husband and I took on leadership of our churches brand new coffee shop where we serve specialty drinks. I did a lot of work to get that up and off the ground. My kids entered new grades 9 and 10. My 14 year old daughter got her first job. So I had lots going on.
To start the coffee shop I put my travel agent job on hold so I could fully focus on the coffee shop. I'm wondering if all of these things had a hand in what started to go on for me. See I have on occasion gotten a migraine. If you have ever had one of those you know how debilitating they can be. One day I walked into my bathroom and heard in my head "you're going to get a migraine and it's not going to be good." Then this horrible feeling feel on me. I had never had this happen to me before. Wondered what was going on? Still wonder that. No migraine came. Then a couple or a few weeks later same thing happened again. Scared me. Told my husband about it. He said fear is not of God. Ok let it go and move on. Again no migraine came. These thoughts and horrid feels would come very infrequently. But sometime late in the fall or December even I started to get back and neck pain. Now I have osteoarthritis in my middle to upper back. But most of the time it does not bother me. But this pain would come day after day. Be debilitating. It would last a week or more then I would get some relief. Then the cycle would start all over again. I had no idea what was going on. Was it the osteoarthritis and had it spread? Or was something else causing it? I tried all kinds of medicines. But nothing seemed to work. One would work one time but not the next. it was very frustrating. In the fall I was praying about becoming a travel agent. I asked the Lord how can I do this job I have so many physical ailments? I felt the Lord tell me that once I got a job as a travel agent I would be healed. But right now the job hunt has been put on hold running the coffee shop. So is healing put on hold then too?
It's now January a new year. Oh the back pain is so bad. What do I do? Well one Saturday I am at church. We offer prayer ministry during the end worship time. I go up for prayer. One of our associate pastors prays for me. After the prayer I stand there basking in the Lords presence. It's a beautiful few moments. What comes into my head is "you are healed". I think to myself but I still feel pain. Then I go up and grab communion. I sit down and bow my head. I thank the Lord for the wine and bread. When in my head I hear " this is my body broken for you, this my blood shed for you, eat, drink and be healed." So I do and think I still feel pain. So am I healed or not? Now healing can come in all different forms. I am praying and hoping for physical healing. I do not feel that. So do I walk out that I am healed even though I don't feel healed? So confused. God does not always make sense. Pain continues never ends. Only goes away when I sleep. Few weeks go by maybe more. I am at church again. I go up for prayer for healing again. Different associate pastor. Again still pain. So now what? Every night before bed my husband and I pray for each other. Every night it seems like he prays for healing and every morning the pain is back.
Now those other thoughts I talked about at the beginning that flood my mind and bring horrid feels are coming all the time. Don't eat that it could cause a migraine. Oh they have perfume on that could bring on a migraine. What the heck is wrong with me I think? Where are these thoughts coming from? Me? Satan? Where? So I feel like maybe I am in a season of lament. But also at the same time feel like I am not as well. If you would ask me are you happy? No no I am not. Pain all the time and these strange thoughts and feelings that won't leave me alone. When will this vicious cycle ever end? I live for 10 pm when I can go to bed and have this day end. Then at least I can have relief. I wake up hopeful. Do 20 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes devotions and time with God, and 20 minutes of learning something new. Then get ready for the day. By then the back pain is getting worse. I think what am I able to do today? Not much as most things cause my pain to get worse. So I will try and survive the day. Oh but days I have stuff to do to take my mind of of me and this pain. Those are very helpful to me. I need to get out of my head.
One day it's a Saturday and I am having quite time with God in the morning. I am given this scripture. "Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 Oh thank you God. These words are what I need. I felt like I was wrapped in a cocoon by Jesus and nothing can penetrate it. Not Satan, not my own thoughts nothing. I am protected by Jesus. Cool. That evening my pastor is preaching on fear. I need that message. So there were a few things my pastor said that spoke to me. They are
-When I am a worshiper I'm not a worrier.
- Keep your eyes on the things above.
- Worship breaks fear.
I am feeling so good. God is speaking to me. We enter a time of worship after the sermon. We sing this song. No Longer Slaves. One of the lines in the song is "I'm no longer a slave to fear I am a child of God." I sung this song with gusto! Felt that fear was broken in me that day. Woo Hoo! But life goes on and those thoughts keep coming. I felt like nothing can penetrate me I'm wrapped in a Jesus cocoon. But over time when the thoughts and horrid feelings never stop and the pain never ends I don't believe I have a cocoon wrapping me and protecting me. I'm angry at God. I swear at him in my head. Then right away's feel bad and apologize. God when will the pain ever end? What is going on?
One Saturday night at church the preacher is sharing on Jesus and how on His time on earth people looked to Him for what He could do for them and not for relationship with Him. They wanted his healing not the healer. We can be like that. We can look to God for His ability to heal and not relationship. Or we come to worship hoping for that really great feeling we had that one time. Rather then relationship with Jesus. Not that these things are bad the healing or the feelings. Yes we can want those things even look for and ask for them. But really what we should want and look for is relationship with Jesus. So I'm hearing this. Yes I want Jesus. I want relationship. So worship and communion starts. I ask myself a question I often ask before taking communion how should I come? A lot of times something comes to mind. Today nothing. Ok that is fine. Then in my head comes just worship me. Ok I can do that. I start to sing but the pain is bad so I can't. I cry instead. How can I sing Lord? I want to but I can't. So I cry. I cry through most of worship. Then we sing a new song. Ain't No Grave Oh and it's amazing! Take a listen to it. One of the lines is "Ain't no grave gonna hold my body down." Another "Oh fear is a liar with a smooth and velvet tongue, fear is a tyrant he's always telling me to run. Oh love is a resurrection and love is a trumpet sound love is my weapon, I'm gonna take my giants down." So powerful. Loved it so much. I have moments of hope and joy amidst all the pain.
So life goes on and how does one do life with chronic pain? I have tried prayer, pain meds, chiropractic, Osteopathy, and will be going to the doctor again. Heard these words yesterday "show me what your up to today God and how do I partner with you in that?" I want to still do God's will and see Him in my daily life. So somehow I press on. Then I get a day like today. This morning was odd indeed. I woke up with a smile on my face and praying that I would be filled with hope and joy. Then the lyrics to a song came to mind. "In the trial and the trouble my soul rejoice." The song is called Life is Beautiful. I went for an hour walk this morning. So good. It was such a rich time. See I listened to a couple of albums by Rend Collective. A few of their songs spoke to me. Maybe they will speak to you as well.
Count Every Blessing
"You were there the valley of shadows
You were there in the depth of my sorrows
You're my strength, my hope for tomorrow
I've been blessed beyond all measure
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Letting go and trusting when I can not see
I am counting every blessing, counting every blessing
Surely every season you are good to me."
True North
"I will not let the darkness steal the joy within my soul
I will not let the circumstances become my compass no
I will not let the fears of life and sorrows of this world
Dictate to me how I should feel for you are my true north."
Weep With Me (reprise)
"Blessed are those who morn
For you will be comforted
Blessed are you when your heartbroken
As He's the binder of your wounds
He's gonna set you on your feet again
He's gonna give you hope to breath again
Even in the darkness He's beautiful
Even in the shadows He loves you still
What's true in the light
Is still true in the dark."
I don't know what God has in store for me next. But I keep seeking His face and holding His hand. Yes emotionally today is a better day. My spirits are up. But pain oh the pain the never ending pain is still here. But God's got me. He has got you to. No matter what you are going through hold onto hope. Hold onto Jesus. He loves you and is with you. Even in the dark.
Love your realness and how U worship God and the songs U shared that have lifted U up out of the miry clay. Keep looking up. Day and night night and day! Hope prevails!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lue!
Delete